In Germany, a pint-sized revolutionary, Dennis began Questioning Every Rule Known to Humankind. To protest his nap, he cranked open the 3rd floor window and jammed his sturdy toddler body between the window and sill, where he hung perilously for most of an hour, while busily carpeting the playground below with garments from his mom’s lingerie drawer. A German neighbor, with an armful of panties and bras, startled his mom as she flew up the stairwell, her voice seesawing between laughter and panic, shouting, “Das Kind! Das Kind!”
When Miko opened her bedroom door, little Denny paused in his mischief to level her with a look that said: Explain the Validity of Sleeping When One is Wide Awake and Has Very Important Life Explorations to Accomplish and No Time To Waste. Or else pay the consequences for wasting my time. Tick Tock.
Sleep-deprived and scatterbrained, Den's mom spent years wearing slippers, trying not to wake her little rebel, if in fact he did happen to collapse into sleep. He was always in motion until exhaustion seized him; then he would just STOP.
In Florida, his entire extended family once went on a neighborhood hunt for him; right before calling the police, they discovered little Denny toppled over and sound asleep inside a closet he’d been exploring. He never saw much value in slumber, until he became an adult when his physically demanding lifestyle required periods of rejuvenation; then, according to Miko (a.k.a. Bitter Betty), he was an Olympian napper, and nothing short of a tornado could rouse him. And knowing Den, if it was an actual tornado, instead of killing him, it would have swept him up into a funnel and put him down without a scratch in some place like Oz, where he could make friends with new and interesting people.
G-Force
To be fair, his (much too young) parents, Dennis James Lord (the 1st) and Miko, were steeped in naivete, having only experienced his gentle and contemplative sister, who had them completely fooled about the whole storybook parenting thing.
Darlena, just over a year old when Dennis was born, was frolicking in the same idyllic fog. Let’s face it. All three were tiptoeing through some really stupid tulips (read: imbecilic) when Denny blazed into the picture two weeks early, locked and loaded for a g-force roller coaster ride of his making. Miko, just 19 at the time, was so weak she almost fainted after his earthquake delivery. When she reached for him in his hospital bassinet, she nearly dropped her little rocket of energy/baby.
Thus began Den’s Adventurous Tale of Near Misses. 🍸
Origami
Guiding such a complicated treasure of a human being, including Mike Blandford, who remarkably (head scratches all around) chose to marry into the Novice Dad Club, meant all of them careened between sheer delight and outright terror. Dennis learned everything way too fast and remembered all of those things in alarming detail. He walked at nine months, and as soon as he had his sea legs, he promptly began folding the house into various origami shapes with the force of his dynamic personality.
That was a regular Tuesday for this boy. Right from the start, little Denny was a Dogwood sandwich of spectacular charm, keen intellect, unquenchable curiosity, natural athleticism, and a side-splitting sense of fun.
But.
Boredom was the enemy...for the family, that is, whenever their little fella experienced it. Then they could forecast torrential downpours, lightning strikes, and occasional nuclear fallout. If Dennis regularly shook the foundation of their lives to discover just how the house was built, he also promptly disarmed his family by throwing them for a loop with what turned out to be boundless charm.
Every. Single. Time.
Stupid Tulips
Thus, the young Lord family of four existed in a perpetual state of exhausted confusion (see: stupid tulips). #ParenthoodShouldOnlyBeForAdults40AndOver
Way out of their depth, they all managed to disappoint him disproportionately to anything he would ever actually do. His response to their repeated misunderstanding and to the resulting heartbreak he endured was Classic Dennis. He gave them a huge mother$^!%!@ pass. (see The Big Pivot)
It seemed his love for others, especially for his exasperated family, was the fiercest part of his person-hood. He forgave people, not because he had to, just because he was so damned good. Later on, whenever her depleted trio of parents retreated to recharge their emotional batteries, his sister Darlena was there, generously pitching in with room, board, and sibling guidance.
Love Knots
Dennis would forever admire and cherish this very special girl, and in true Den fashion, he showed it by challenging and attacking her with his most tempestuous arguments and bombastic irritations (see nuclear fallout). Behind Darlena’s back, however, he was a Public Address System of Loyalty, Love, and Respect for her, which in turn caused Darlena no end of pain and frustration.
These two rarely understood each other. But no matter. Dennis really couldn’t help himself. He loved her to pieces, so he generally made sure they both felt as if they were in fact, torn into a whole bunch of pieces. And vice versa. (see exhausted confusion)
What they had in common was intellect and a highly developed sense of humor. These qualities bonded them more than any other differences, and on the rare occasions when they were not at each other’s throats, laughter proved to be the perfect balm for their warring souls.
While Dennis wound his older sister Darlena into complicated knots, he was the opposite with his younger step-siblings, Hunter, Grace, and Jackson Lord. He spent hours on end snowboarding with the similarly agile Hunter, whom Dennis admired and described to his mom as a quiet guy “who marches to the beat of his own drum.” Dennis shared both physical prowess and personality characteristics with Jackson, whom Den proudly referred to as “the beast” in hockey. Grace, a likewise talented athlete, was planning to start her own business, and Dennis could not have been more proud and supportive of her entrepreneurial spirit. A few weeks before he passed, Dennis told his mom all about his 2020 holiday visit with his younger step-sibs, enthusiastically describing their unfolding life journeys in great detail.
Wiz Kid
Because Darlena had qualified for the gifted program at school, young Denny was subsequently tested. When the ecstatic counselor rushed out of the classroom waving his report, Miko was not surprised when he exclaimed that he’d never seen such a high I.Q. result. When she asked Denny about his testing experience, he smiled, “It was fun. I got to figure stuff out.” It can be said that Dennis spent every waking moment of his entire life trying to figure out, well, all of the stuff.
His exceptional brains can be credited to his DNA; Dennis’s maternal grandfather, Robert Caesar Zani, a Mensa member, was as mesmerized by this grandson as everyone else. But Dennis was so steeped in admiration for “Grandpa,” he never bothered to notice that he himself possessed some of his grandfather’s best traits.
Equally engaging conversationalists, they were among the most charming and interesting storytellers their friends and family would ever encounter. Both men were endowed with exceptional talent and encyclopedic memories. But the connection they shared had more to do with big hearts than big minds. Selfless and generous to a fault, both would deny that but be the first to tell you they needed to know more; their biggest fear was that they'd run out of time to learn, well, everything. Tick Tock. 🍸
Even if his IQ was off the charts, Dennis kept it real with a healthy dose of natural absentmindedness. He shares that charming distracted distinction (along with an equal dose of humility) with inspiring minds like Robert Caesar Zani, Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, et al. However, unlike the others who tackled the theory of relativity, universal gravity, calculus, and waging war with gifted squirrels, one of Dennis’s biggest battles was being a Keeper of Stuff. 🍸
But then again, who needs a storage unit when you have so many devoted friends who gladly house your things in support of living vicariously through your journey of Big Adventures.
Too Kewl for Traditional School
"Don't let schooling interfere with your education." -Mark Twain
And just like his paternal grandfather, with rare exceptions, traditional school systems bored Dennis. The difference is that Ret. Colonel Robert C. Zani tolerated it long enough to obtain his Master’s in Engineering from MIT. Dennis, impatient and stubborn, insisted on absorbing the world by turning himself into a dedicated human sponge.
Despite his resistance to formal education (some college credits notwithstanding), Dennis was exceedingly knowledgeable about an array of subjects.🍸If he’d lived in Renaissance times, he would have fit in well as a gentleman and independent scholar of unrelated subjects. Also, he could probably have survived disease, hunger, famine, and plagues. Well, hmm...hunger is iffy. 😆
He put his exceptional reasoning skills to good use. He overcame every single obstacle that was placed in his path. Starting at age eleven and through his teen years, he bounced dramatically and unhappily between parents and houses, with all of them losing their collective minds, until it was either going to be foster care or detention. Den wound up in juvie, followed by a few short stints in jail, for petty or foolhardy acts, but mostly for possessing an endlessly insatiable curiosity, along with a healthy dose of willfulness. His only real crime was that he refused to go home without going home BIG. For example, when he was a teen, he and another buddy pilfered a radio that intrigued Dennis. He wanted to know exactly how it worked. So, ignoring the potential consequences, he took a chance, and found out.
It was a police radio. (see juvie 🚔).
Meanwhile, his exasperated parents threatened (once again) to ground him for life, which for socially-driven Dennis, was akin to Death by Solitary Confinement. But they had only to look to their own gene pool to find relatives with Highly Curious and Intelligent Entrepreneurial Teen-aged Minds who did some Super Dumb Stuff. A great uncle stole cigarettes from the gas station, hiding them in the panels of his car door, then bootlegging them across state lines to sell; a grandfather and his buddies finished off golf cart cocktails after their caddying duties, and also set a small hill ablaze with lighter fluid and leftover gin. And there was that other uncle who dragged home the tautological Street Road sign that was just calling his name. All dumb teen pranks, of course. Dennis was never capable of being genuinely sneaky, being more of a TMI guy: he’d tell you exactly what he was up to and explain in exhausting detail the “why” of the experience. He was very often held captive by his own curiosity and impulsiveness. Thus, unlike the young men before him, Dennis generally got caught.
Pointless Reader Reviews
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Ryan Reynolds, Pled Innocent by Reason of Insanity to Multiple Charges of Committing Procreation
“Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.” That was before a toddler’s angelic face appeared three inches from yours in the middle of the night and scared the hallelujahs out of you. Trust me, they don’t even have to say boo. They just look at you with that creepy fixed stare. Scary stuff.
(" "Ryan Reynolds, Twitter)
💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Dead Posse! You’re up! Stare down! I dare ya!
🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse
Hey, hey, hey. Let’s not get the unfriendly ghosts all riled up, OK, Kimmy? Here, you want to play Scary Stare Down? Over there, see that guard dog? He likes that game.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Melissa McCarthy, Pleaded the 5th, 6th, and 7th on the Stand for Charge of Drunk Procreation & Drunker Parenting Techniques
Jason, keep your not-a-bouncer day job. Reynolds, don’t sweat the small stuff. Grow a pair like all women everywhere, and take some old-fashioned American style grownup revenge. Do what I do. “I will embarrass my kids to their core. I will threaten to show up in hot pants and a tube top. Their dad will drive me. And he'll let me and my friend Lisa get pretty drunk in the backseat, and we will come into that party and just rip it up.”
(" "Melissa McCarthy, BrainyQuote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jason Mamoa, Pled Innocent by Reason of Insanity to Charge of Committing Procreation Because Ryan Reynolds Made It Look Trendy
Melissa, if you’re referring to a pair of Extra Large Big Kahunas, then picture me intoxicated in my emergency disciplinary hot pants and tube top. It’s not just the kids who run screaming from the party, I’ll promise you that.
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Mamoa, I think you should model this right now for all the parents here who are in need of this type of drastic and highly suggestive punishment strategy. Many thanks.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Idris Elba, Charged with Packing Hot Pants after Procreating
Oh, yes, as they say in England, the boob tube parenting trick for knackered mums and dads. I pack my favorite slinky bell bottoms and a bottle of gin in the glove compartment, just in case.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Michael Douglas, Who Turned Himself In Hoping To Be Incarcerated After Using Procreation As His Mid-to-Late Life Crisis
“I enjoy provocative things that are questionable.” So first I had kids at the new 21 age, then I gave sole custody to Catherine, my wife for life.
(" "Michael Douglas, Brainyquote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Ryan Reynolds, Pled Innocent by Reason of Insanity to Multiple Charges of Committing Procreation
Oh, hey now! So you can return them?! Is there an expiration date on that?
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Elton John, Who Begged to Be Committed to a Sanatorium for Practicing Surrogacy That resulted In Fatherhood After 60
Oh, darling, of course you can, but only if you have the receipt. We’ve been refunded on a few who didn’t work out, but you have to have the original receipt, not an emailed copy. Just like the kid, you can’t return one if it does not match the receipt. We keep all our receipts locked in our white lacquer fireproof chamber.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Simon Cowell, Who Underwent Extreme Hormonal Personality Shift to a Real Men Fake Cry On Camera Kind of Guy, After Reproducing A Mini-Me Version of Himself at 53
The only item you should ever return is an empty bottle of wine that gave you a headache. (Buzzfeed) Sweet innocent unruly children, like throbbing headaches, are worth the cost and should be retained, even when the only guarantee is that the price will be your sanity.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Mick Jagger, Permanently Stoned and Rolling Since Continuing to Commit Procreation at almost 60
Keep emergency bowls near. “You can't always get what you want/But if you try sometime/You'll find/You get what you need.”
(" "Rolling Stones, Genius)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Billy Joel, Found Guilty of Collecting Social Security While Procreating
“My songs are like my kids.” They came out of nowhere and sound like a broken record on the radio.
(" "Billy Joel, BrainyQuote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Kelsey Grammar, Who Keeps Paddles Charged After Witnessing His Child's Birth at Almost 60
Oh, come now. We know they very likely originated from drunken unprotected intercourse. That goes for your songs and your kids, Joel. The problem is not where they come from, but that, once here, they refuse to leave. “A child is a reinvigorating experience.(...) A synonym of reinvigorate is resuscitate. Need I say more? #KeepYourCondomOn
🌲📖☆ Reviewed by Jimbo, Fluent in Henry David Thoreau
“To be awake is to be alive. I have never yet met a man who was quite awake.” To be truly awake, we need Red Bull, or kids, by the sound of it.
(" "Henry David Thoreua)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Henry Golding, Entered Himself Into Rehab After Procreation
You got that right. The kids are always awake. “Kids are ruthless.” Mine’s an infant, which is Big Kahuna time. No teenager’s man enough to wake you up screaming at 3 am, grab a bottle and drink like a drunkard, then smile and throw up on you.
(" "Henry Golding, BrainyQuote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Ray Romano, Whose Wife Has Not Spoken To Him Since She Accidentally Continued His Lineage
Preaching to the drunk choir there, Henry. “Having children is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” The only difference is now that I’m a parent and old enough to drink, I can throw up legally.
(" "Ray Romano, Scomedy)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Betty White, Fluent in Dr. Suess
What is more unappetizing than green eggs and ham? Children. “I would not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere.”
(" "Green Eggs and Ham, Bookroo)
Reviewed by 🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
So, let me break this down. I'm very drunk. College drinking was lighter than this. My brain is broken from reading this garbage. And it would actually be more pleasant if I were throwing up. Hurling sounds fun, like something to look forward to, and savor. Literally anything is better than this.
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler,Peaches & Crème de Menthe
Like, so gross! Yuck! Hey, mom, can I like take a break from the puking girl here? I want to play Twister with those guys over there!
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Where is Idris and his slinky hotpants when you need him? [Sigh]. Knock yourself out, Chandler. The only game I’m old enough to play is Ray Romano’s frat house drinking game with Uncle Bob. Oh, and Chandler, that’s not Twister; those are just a bunch of drunk celebrities trying to stand up, but feel free to join in. While you’re down there, see if you can find any crumbs.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Conan O’brien, Pled Innocent To Procreating Then Withdrew His Plea When His Kids Became Influencers
“My kids asked me what the Wall Street protestors were angry about, & I told them it was the crappy Father’s Day gift they gave me last year.” They thought I was joking because I always tell them I’m a comic. I know, funny, right?! They don’t know my late night show is actual reporting. Anyway, when I showed them the real news headline: O’Brien’s Brats’ Bad Taste Causes Tent City, they apologized, which was a first, and then they celebrated being recognized as social influencers, which was not unexpected.
(" "Conan O’Brien, Twitter)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Mark Ruffalo Charged with Giving Birth To Anonymous Offspring
“If you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” When what’s-his-name was born, I took a vow of silence. By the time whatchamacallit and so-and-so arrived, between the silent vow and seven nannies, things worked out. Good cop/dad, bad cop/mom and all that.
(" "Mark Ruffalo, BrainyQuote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Michelle Pfeiffer, Charged With Robbing Her Procreations
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kid's therapy.” Just kidding! We breathe a lot! We spend our massive fortune on our own parental therapy. It’s really expensive so there won’t be any money left for the kids, but that’s on them. They have to own their stuff, you know, especially what they did to us, by being born and everything. No parent ever really gets over that.
(" "Michelle Pfeiffer, BrainyQuote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jon Stewart, Charged with Ruining His Procreations
“Fatherhood is great because you get to ruin someone from scratch." So far I’ve only wrecked two humans. In the olden days, I’d have a litter to work with.
(" "Jon Stewart, Brainy Quote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Hugh Jackman, Constantly Avoiding Charges of Procreation
Well, you see, Jon et al, the proof’s right here in the don’t recreate yourself pudding. Adoption is the way to go. Shopping for children is much more satisfying than having to live with whatever DNA nightmare from Elm Street shows up on the big scary birthday. All of your children sound perfectly appalling. Highly recommend Sax Fifth and Adoption Avenue for rich folks who want more choice in important genetic matters.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Mary Louis Parker, Original Procreation Charge Dropped After She Apologized For This Mistake By Adopting
Well, I have one of each. You know, the whole nature vs. nurture puzzle. But I’m such an excellent mom, it’s a win-win for me. I only procreate or adopt excellent human beings. It’s one of my rules for successful parenting. Have perfect kids, then you can just sit on the sidelines and clap and do fun things like that.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Meg Ryan, Charged With Hidden Motives Related to Floral Names
Me too, Mary! One of each. And so much clapping! But the fun thing about being single and adopting is that you can name your child something less traditional. I chose Daisy True, but I also considered Petunia False, Hyacinth Maybe, and the gender-friendly Buttercup Undecided. It took me forever to pick because there’s so much more latitude and longitude with floral monikers.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Viola Davis, Charged With Adopting Under False Pretenses Such As Grandiose Ideas
Yes, Meg, I too struggled with naming my daughter. I always dreamed of adopting a righteous, adventurous scientist, so between a NASA probe and a book in the bible, Genesis was the solution! Also, it has so many meanings, she can evolve into accomplishing any number of impossible, earth-shattering achievements. In fact, Mission Impossible was on the list for quite some time. I only do things with purpose. Naming a child is my ultimate reason for existing. Kids can raise themselves or let the wolves do it, but parents are the name-givers. That’s the real power trip.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Alicia Keys, Charged With Treating Family Life As A Musical Score
I just liked the way Genesis sounded as part of a lyric. I only choose things that can be sung or played on a piano. If I can’t sing it, you won’t see it in our home. If I could not sing my child after his birth, it would have been a tough day for our family as we were really into him. Luckily, it all turned out. We’re very music-centric. Music is what matters. Sing it, or hit the road, Jack.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Gwen Stefani, Charged With Influencing Apollo 13’s Safe Decades After It Happened
Copy that, Houston. I’ve got my Apollo, middle name Thirteen, because I saw the movie, of course. I think it might be based on a true story too. But if the mission had turned out differently, I would have gone for the telescope, Hubble.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Rachel Griffiths, Found Guilty Of Choosing Between Two Equally Questionable Ideas
There was never any doubt that I’d name my boy Banjo, but Guitar was a big contender and kept making me scratch my head, Banjo or Guitar? Guitar or Banjo? But now that he’s here, he’s a dueling banjos energy, not so much acoustic guitar, so I chose well. Go me!
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Gwyneth Paltrow, Guilty of Neglecting The Middle Aisles of Grocery Stores
My offspring was destined to be named for the healthiest choice in a fruit bowl I was meditating with, but it was a close call between Orange and Apple, because you know, the whole apples and oranges thing. Apple won because it keeps the doctor away. I don’t believe in doctors or Santa Claus. You can heal yourself simply by being more attractive and flexible than other people. Also, I wasn’t convinced oranges were going to be enough of an immunity booster.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Rick Ross, Charged with Setting Unreasonable Monetary Moniker Expectations
C’mon, man. Think about the impact of a name! Your kid, Apple. What’s she aspiring to, Gwyneth? Unless her name is Fiona, she has a limited fruity future. Now take my son, Billion! He’s going to spend every day of his life working to earn that name. Now that’s a gift, a name like that. For those of you who need some ideas, you can also use one of my alternates: Oprah, The Rocke-ffeler, King, Musk, Gates, Bezos, Queen, Leader of the Free World.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Beyonce, Guilty of Usurping the Royals With Her Own Royalty-ness
Exactly, Rick. We needed to ensure that everyone everywhere always addressed our son by his given title. We chose Sir, but around the house, his friends and family discounted nickname is the more quaint Your Highness.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jermaine Jackson, Guilty of Being Apropos of Nothing, Like His Own Name
Jermajesty. It’s royal and flexible. Can be broken down into first and middle: Jerma Jesty when he’s being funny, and Jerm Ajesty when he’s sick.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Kate Winslet, Charged With Making Her Kid Play With Matches
Well, naturally, I spent nine months researching animals and fires, which resulted in the beautifully poetic and mysteriously dangerous Bear Blaze. I am also against all childproofing. We can open all our cabinets and access medicines and poisons. It's important to know how to live in the wild, which is our home style also. I copyrighted my list of callbacks and they are as follows: Grizzly Fire, Cub Campfire, Polar Heat, Panda Pyre, and Kodiak Smoke. Depending on how many kids I have, a few of those will be siblings.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Alicia Silverstone, Charged with Becoming a Den Mother
Oh my gosh, Kate! Great mama bear minds think alike! I researched wildlife and oceanic colors. My darling child is Bear Blu! We should really get our cubs together for a play-date!
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Sting, Charged with Malpracticing
I wound up being a big breeder, but really I'm just into practicing. Anyway, I was coloring with crayons because when you have a big brood, you learn to write with crayon, and I liked the color fuschia. Easy to say, but a real bitch to spell. So I named one of the kids Fuschia, can't recall which one, but one of them anyway.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Meg Ryan, Charged with Hidden Motives Related to Floral Monikers
Sting! How romantic. That’s also a flower. I also love to practice.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Sting, Charged with Malpracticing
Do you now? Well, cool. We should set up a play date.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Virgo Virgin Who Did Not Know He Was Dating Nicole Kidman
Sting, repeat that to me and I’ll tell you if I think you’re propositioning me! C’mon, man, please? I’m practicing my observation skills.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jason Bateman, Guilty of Not Going Out of His “(...)way to spit and scratch and give people attitude. (Jason Bateman, BrainyQuote)
Jimmy, you look hot. If someone says that, it means you’re out of the friend zone. Maple is our child’s name. I like syrup, and I like trees. So, it was a no-brainer. Has a traditional spelling, like Fuschia, Sting. But yours is a good test to see if your child’s teacher can spell. For that reason alone, we probably should have gone with Syrup.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Virgo Virgin Who Did Not Know He Was Dating Nicole Kidman
Oh, OK, got it, man. I’m paying attention, I promise. So, uh, yeah, you look hot too, Bateman. This is you not wanting to be friends, am I right?
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Tony Braxton, Guilty of Confusing Vintage Jeans with Children's Names
Fallon, you do not look hot. You look exactly like every girl’s best friend, OK? The friend zone is your home. Settle in. Bake cookies. Buy a couch. Bateman, you ooze sex. You’re probably having sex right now while you’re standing in front of us, and we don’t even know it. Not convinced you’ve ever been in anyone’s friend zone, so stop giving advice about it. Listen, back to the name game. I was not messing around. It was going to be a name to withstand all trends through all the years, well past 5020. I almost went for Jeans, but Denim as a fashion mainstay and staple, was the ultimate perfect choice.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Betty White, Fluent in Dr. Seuss
Oh, for pete’s sake, don’t be ridiculous. If you are dumb enough to reproduce human beings, just call them "Thing One" and "Thing Two." Save the names for your pets.
(" "The Cat in the Hat, Oatridge)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jude Law, Charged With Never Making Friends in The Friend Zone
I’ve likewise never stepped foot into any friend zone. Not even a toe. I’ve been told my digits are really attractive and belong only in sex zones. I guess that’s a thing.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Bradley Cooper, Found Guilty of Having a Simply Irresistible Big Toe
I stuck my big digit in the friendly zone once, just to see what all the complaining was about. Unfortunately, the girl fell for me on impact. So I can’t really venture into that zone anymore. It’s not fair to all the just-friends guys, like Fallon here, who built his tiny house there, and, you know, set up camp.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jamie Dornan, Charged with Legal Exhibitionism
The trick is to paint the friend zone red, disrobe, and invite a huge film crew to watch. You won’t be friends after that. Works like a charm.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Idris Elba, Charged with Packing Hot Pants After Procreation
What’s a friend zone?
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunt Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Don’t you worry your more than friendly handsome head about that, Idris. I’d say, stay in your lane, but your looks give you no choice. Please do not outgrow them. And that goes for several of you who have handsomely crashed this Not an Obit party. Thank you.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Henry Cavill, charged with not Returning His Borrowed American Library Book Accent (Henry Cavill, BrainyQuote)
I recommend “(...)training two-and-a-half hours a day (...). Or you can just be Superman. Not many friends in that zone.
(" "Henry Cavill, Inspiring Quotes)
🍻🍷⚡️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Joe,the Drinking Bartender w/a Hero Complex
Henry, you and I both know it’s all about the cape. I’m mixing you a Dirty Martini. Don’t ask Siri how I know that’s your drink of choice, but let’s just say a good bartender should know every person’s preference, even total strangers who don’t drink. Let’s just say it’s one of my hidden superpowers. No way to disprove those.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by David Beckham, Charged with Lending Jimmy Fallon His Underwear
Fallon, just loiter in my undergarments. If you're questioned, just say you're wearing Beckham’s knickers. Friend Zone Game. Over. Loiter on.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Bryan Cranston, Guilty of Causing PTSD Outside of War Zones
Beckham and gourmet chef Aunty Leesa, tighty whities are a cook’s best friend. Also, you won’t get anywhere near the friend zone in them.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Aaron Paul, Committed for Having War-Free PTSD from Seeing That Which Should Never Be Seen
That was some authentic visual terrorism, man. “I would be lying if I didn't admit there might be a scene in the movie where there might be alcohol in my system.” You can probably guess which ones I’m referring to.
(" "Aaron Paul, AZ Quotes)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Chris Hemsworth, Guilty of Hogging Barbie’s Action Figure Shelf Space
So all the ones when you weren’t smoking meth? I think I remember both of those scenes. The friend zone is reserved for non-action heroes. Put down the drugs and booze, Jesse/Aaron, hit the weights, and you could bulk yourself right into an action figure Ken doll.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Billy Brown, Charged with Making Out For Real During Love Scenes On Set
Aaron, if you want roles that pay you to make out with your sexy co-worker, you have to hit the gym. Not saying Viola’s going to tap that, but as Chris mentioned, Barbie might. Now, I can see why you opted out of the training circuit for Breaking Bad, even going so far as morphing into an out of shape junkie, to ensure there would be no lovemaking with Mr. Tighty Whities. But you still have a doubtful future ahead of you. If you strike out with Barbie, younger men in boxers may still be a possibility.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Ryan Gosling, Pled Guilty to Pigging Out and Exposing His Belly
Fallon, here’s the rub. “If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that’s about as romantic as I can think of.”
(" "Ryan Gosling, Wealthy Gorilla)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Virgo Virgin Who Did Not Know He Was Dating Nicole Kidman
Oh, wow. The old belly rub business, eh? I bet if I sport Beckham’s boxers at Thanksgiving dinner, I’m gonna be a greased pig for dessert. People will go crazy and run screaming out of the friend zone to massage me, right? Hey, Gosling, did you just wink at me? Oh, yeah. I got you, man. I see what’s happening. You want me to get jiggy with your belly button, am I right? I’m seriously getting so much better at this observation gig.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Pharrell Williams, Charged With Being Ungrateful On Turkey Day
That sounds extraordinarily unappetizing, Fallon. You may have actually just ruined all future Thanksgivings for me. Friend zones are strictly for the less than beautiful. I personally have never experienced this misstep, otherwise I could not write genuinely happy lyrics. Happiness is knowing where the friend zone is, and then staying at least six feet from it at all times. You won’t get the flu, and you won’t be just a friend. Oh, and yes, Ryan winked at you, Major Oblivious Fallon. Rub a dub dub.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Tom Hardy, Fount Guilty of Propositioning With Intent To Date
“(...)If they say ‘Tom, don’t put your hand in the fire’, you know I’ll be coming out of casualty an hour later with third-degree burns and bandages up my arms.” The same principle applies to dating. I ask out every woman I know, including relatives. That way, you build up a tough exterior. You may never get out of the friend zone and you can be brought up on charges, but you are training to be hardy. Haha Good one, eh?
(" " Tom Hardy, Wealthy Gorilla)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Zac Efron, Charged with Mistakenly Being Called Interesting (Zac Efron, BrainyQuote)
Terrible puns are a turnoff, Hardy. So are jail terms. Put your money where your mouth is, then spit it out and spend it on smelling better. "If I splurge on anything, it's cologne. I love smelling good." Not saying you stink, Fallon, but lighting little candles and bathing in a fragrance now and then is both romantic and hygienic.
(" "Zac Efron, Inspiring Quotes)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Virgo Virgin Who Did Not Know He Was Dating Nicole Kidman
I could smell bad. That might be a thing with me. Someone sniff me, quick! It’s like, Do you want a mint? And you have to take it. Need a spray of Creed Aventus? Better splash it on those pits, just to be safe.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Justin Timberlake, Charged With Apologizing For Past Mistakes and Thereby Unsettling the Male Celebrity World of Owning Nothing But Mula (NY Times)
Look, Jimmy. You do you. Stinky, or mildly unpleasant. “The right scent can make you feel a little more stylish, but it should never eclipse who you are. It should complement who you are.” In your extreme friend zone case, I highly recommend Panty Dropper while wearing Beckham’s underwear, for obvious reasons, General Oblivious. And also because his Intimately Beckham cologne only works if he’s wearing it, otherwise women mistake you for David, and you have to perform at his unattainable level. Or so I’ve heard.
(" "Justin Timberlake, BrainyQuote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Virgo Virgin Who Did Not Know He Was Dating Nicole Kidman
OK! Got it!! Good stuff! Thanks, man! If I meet a hot paleo woman, I’ll grease myself up in Farginnay Bacon. That should do it! #FallonIsActuallyCaptainObliviousOnHisBirthCertificate
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Anthony Joshua, Charged with Lying About Having a Biscuit Bake Off
Slam the damn brakes, 3 Star General Oblivious Fallon! It’s one thing for you to dab yourself in piglet, quite another for you to slather yourself in it. Likewise, for “me to have a cheeky little biscuit, it's not going to hurt. But I need to control those indulgences. I can't just be scoffing cakes and biscuits five nights a week.”
(" "Anthony Joshua, BrainyQuote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Virgo Virgin Who Did Not Know He Was Dating Nicole Kidman
Cheeky little biscuit? Oh, yes, sir! I’m following your coy British breadcrumbs, buddy. I can pick up whatever doughy pass you’re throwing down. So I smell OK to you, right, Anthony? You’re into me? I’m a tempting little morsel of hot Jimmy bacon crumble?
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Well, if I do say so myself, you sound positively edible and scrumptious, Admiral Hansel Fallon. Don’t be afraid to stand very close to me and Aunty Leesa’s oven. Let me know if you need a short gluten free crumb map to help you find it.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Rob Kardashian, Charged With Growing Up Male in a Female Dominated Household, And Now Scientists Are Studying This To Determine What World Peace Might Look Like
Not following all of this, but I have way too many complicated sisters, so tuning out is kind of my go-to. Anyway, I went with a straightforward man’s approach to naming my child. Dream. It’s simple. It’s a command. It means to dream. And her middle name is On. That’s to keep future boyfriends and husbands at bay. Also a command. And a mysteriously obscure cryptic fan-based nod to Aerosmith.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Scott Disick, Guilty of Being the Reigning King of His Own Amusing Imagination
Reign. Complicated Courtney’s idea, so mine also. It’s a confusing homophone… Rain. So it’s either a royal Disick day or it’s storming. Like father, like son, and all that.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Khloe Kardashian, Found Guilty of Honesty, Which Came With a Hefty Fine
So, if I get one more question about whether my next kid will be False…! True is my beautiful complicated daughter, and of course I’m not going to do something stupid like the opposite. My next child will either be Multiple Choice or Short Answer. Duh.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by George Lucas, Charged with Lending President Reagan His Star Wars Program
Rob, I’m also into extreme command parenting, but with more syllables. My daughter’s name is Everest. Very self-explanatory. And my wife’s on board because it keeps our little girl in this galaxy. We own quite a few planets now, so it’s a comfort to her mom.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Steven Spielberg, Plead Not Guilty of Putting Warnings Into His Kid's Name & Got Away With It Because His Name is Steven Spielberg
Rob, we’re on the same command page. Destry means war horse. Our daughter, the warrior. What people don’t know is her full name is Destroyer AndYouDie Spielberg. And her nickname is Goldspoon. A silver one would be insulting, after all.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Cardi B, Found Innocent of Basic Charges that Sound Like Misdemeanors
My baby’s Kulture. That’s culture with a K. Like Cool, but with a K. Beyond basic, like beyond burgers. We are against all things basic. It’s a basic revolution in my house every day. Babies are rebels against basic. We don’t even teach basic math skills. Nobody needs the basics, just the advanced stuff.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by George Foreman or One of His Five Sons
Name all the sons after the father. Guarantees creative nickname and that somebody answers when you holler.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Frank Zappa, Charged with Making Clerks Laugh In His Children's Faces
I like it, George, because it ascribes to my own whacked philosophy. The only reason to name your children is to exact some kind of cultural revenge on them, which is in ample evidence here at this weird funeral bash. It’s fun to think of my kids repeating Moon Unit, Dweezil and Diva Thin Muffin to a clerk named John Smith. It’s the joke that keeps on giving. I’d have done less body shaming on that muffin moniker, but I’m more evolved now. I’m sure it would be Diva Plus Muffin today.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jamie Oliver, Celebrity Chef Guilty of Making His Kids Sound Slightly Edible
Cooking up names is just like making recipes. Throw in some crazy ingredients and wa-la: Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela, Buddy Bear Maurice, Petal Blossom Rainbow, and River Rocket Blue Dallas.
🍁🍄💼☆ Reviewed by Drummer Jonah,One Man Boy Band Baby Faced Ted Talking Jiu-Jitsu
I’m just going to say that, up until now, I was thinking it was just celebrities being, you now, celebrity-like with all the weird naming privileges that regular people do not have because we have no excuse and would therefore be subject to alarm and derision, in that order. But now I am certain it’s got to be weed, just some really powerful beautiful herb. Mr. Oliver, in particular, I’m wondering exactly what special ingredient goes into your “recipes.”
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Blanket, Michael Jackson’s Hand-knitted Son
My dad named me after a coverlet. If he was high, I can forgive him. If he wasn’t, I want him to know I’d rather be Johnny Cash’s boy Sue.
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
Stop whining, Blanket! You can be like called Comforter or something cool like Quilty or Afghan. My bro and I were like named after some stupid old timer show with a stupid title called Friends, like Joey and like Chandler, and like I don’t know why I’m called the other sugary stuff. Ask Not the Mom. But you’re like rich so nobody cares, OK?!! Michael could have like named you Dumb As A Box of Rocks and people would pay you to like speak to them. OK?! So quit like complaining!!
❓❓⭐ Reviewed by Hunter, Grace & Jackson Lord
Blanket, can we please have your warm and fuzzy Comforter signature? We have money.
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
Fo shizzle?! Like, just so not cool.
Mrs. Doubtfire Rating Tallier w/a Fake British Accent Like Madonna: Ahhh yes, the joys and carnage of naming the little mutant ninja tykes! How does one shove XYZ, the tale end of the alphabet into the butt of a joke and a resistant name? Try Xzayvian on for size! There’s a consonant ball buster! Bodhi Ransom! A moniker with a Come Hither attitude during P.E. with kidnappers! Take me! Pick me! My parents are loaded! Or how about those loving Swedish parents who smoked too much of that ganja Drummer Jonah dreams of, and Mr. Oliver bakes for his loved ones? Those thoughtful Swedes bestowed a nostalgic and psychedelic nod to their 60's dead relatives with Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116. Pronounced like their great great great grandfather, Albin, of course. (MomJunction) As my inner ego used to say, with a versatile handle like Robin, I can be Batman’s Holy boy sidekick, rob the rich in a gangsta hoodie, or “(...)Fosse, Fosse, Fosse(...)” my way down a homely drag queen stage in my favorite pair of rinky dinky kinky boots. Oh, the joys of nannying the darlings who throw wobblies in their prams while we smoke bowls and dream of having a real job instead of raising the whinging future leaders of the terrorist world.
(" "Birdcage, Youtube)
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