Dear Beleaguered Reader,
Thank you for taking time to read this Hot Mess Walkin'. We wrote it for our own reading displeasure, so it's nice to think others may be suffering with us. Since we couldn't come to a consensus on anything regarding this fake obituary, your reward for reading any of it is a Baskin Robbins selection of charities. If you wish to make a donation, feel free to pick your flavor and donate in Dennis's name. If you are more inclined to think you are owed money for soldiering through this site, we agree with you, but are unlikely to pay up.
Breast Cancer Research Foundation
Dennis's favorite poem is below, and was his mom's paper offering for his cremation. While his mom has never been diagnosed with the Big C, this poem is in honor of the brave women (and men) who have. It is just like Dennis to love a poem that champions 0ther people's battles.
The Breast Is Not A Vital Organ
Extreme Doubtfire Volunteerism Rating Tallier w/a Fake British Accent Like Madonna: Right, the concept of giving money to others so somebody else can cure the ills of this world. Bloody brilliant! I'll need a bevvy to slog through the depressing list above. 🍸 Here's a proper list of cracking good ire-inspiring movements that will get your blood boiling and keep your wallet intact:
Flight Passengers Against Occupying A Seat Near Dennis
Safe Words Against Being Used For Less Important Purposes
Blank Walls Against Being Ignored by Banksy
Traditional Obituaries Against Hot Messes Walkin'
Funeral Flowers Against Not Being Plucked For the Bridal Bouquet
Dead People Against Pallbearers Who Never Do Planks
Coffins Against Cremation
Ashes Against Being Left on the Mantle With No View of the TV
Cemeteries Against Being Stereotyped as Haunted
💀 For Protection From Whacko Obit Attempts
Pontless Reader Reviews
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Edna Mode, Designers Against Hero Capes
Save a hero's life! No capes!
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Christian Grey, Safe Words Against Being Used for Less Important Purposes
Our group is working on restricting the use of red and yellow. This way whenever you hear these colors, you know someone needs to be rescued.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Dolly Parton, Celebrities Against Aretha Franklin's Natural Woman
"It costs a lot of money and time to look this cheap." (" "Dolly Parton, BrainyQuote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Botched/Dr. Terry Dubrow and Dr. Paul Nassif, Doctors Against Surgical Mortars
Hear, hear. Give us your tired, your poor noses, your muddled masses of breast tissue...
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jon Fleuvog, Shoe Designers Against Feet That Cause Yawning
Shake up the yawnage sidewalks. Wrap your tootsies in my imagination.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Lizzo, Singers in Support of Furthering Your Twerk Education
Twerk School is for everybody. "It's OK if you don't have ass." (" "Lizzo, Youtube)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Chris Evans, Actors in Support of Drunk Direct Messaging
Nice. I recommend twerking while drunk DM'ing, especially if you're in your Captain America uniform. 😘
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#WeAreWeirdAndDevastatedButNotDisgusting