Chit chat? Forget it. Dennis would rather be put into a medically induced coma. 😴
If you were unaware of this and sent him a quick image of your lunch, he might fire off a stream of expletives and threaten to file a lawsuit against a texting system that allows this kind of bull#@&2! to be called a message.
But.
He’d also grab a quick bite because he just realized he's wide awake, and therefore positively famished. 😄
Dennis craved real subjects, ideas that matter, that change and shape our world. He was fully engaged for a heart to heart with you or an intellectually stimulating debate or a wonderfully rendered humorous anecdote. The internet was his tool to read widely, explore music, and in all subjects, to connect with stories. He knew how precious time is (Tick Tock) and adamantly refused to waste an important communication opportunity on inconsequential chatter. He was the Real Deal, people. 🍸
His sense of wonder and humor entered the room and filled it, so much so you had the feeling the room itself might burst from all that airy energy. He tended to slide in, in (unmatched) socks, half in song, and in (painfully off-key) operatic style.
If you had something significant to say, he’d drop whatever he was doing and participate fully. If he had no patience for an empty how are you? He actively solicited what is going on in your life and how you are handling it? And how can I help you? Believe us, he was going to ask. Because he really really wanted to know how you were in that moment. You had to keep it real with Dennis or he’d change the subject, hang up, or press “delete.” Period. No exceptions.
Frequent Flyer
Despite his courageous explorations, he was a Notoriously Nervous Flyer. So, naturally, he flew often.😁 Likewise, the very thought of parachuting out of a plane positively blew his mind. So, of course, he wanted to try that too.
Prior to boarding any flight, Dennis accumulated Frequent Flyer Bar Visits. 🍸
Then you could count on him to list (outloud, people, not in a whisper) in alarming detail all the shortcomings of a jet prior to takeoff. “Are you kidding me? We have to walk to it? Look at this puddle jumper. It’s not even big enough to be a starter plane or a wannabe jet. Look, it’s too small to hook to the airport. Wait ‘til that turbulence kicks in. Hehe. Fun times. Ma, you know things are bad when they have to weigh you before you board. I padded mine 20 pounds. Gotta leave room for some of these other fools. See that big guy sweating over there? You know he lied and shaved at least ten. Check him out. He’s sweating bullets. (chuckles) Actual bullets. He knows this plane’s a goner."
#NoHisRantIsNotDoneYetPeople
"He’s probably our undercover 911 cop. He got this gig because he only has to tackle like five of us. Man, did you see the look on our flight attendant’s face? (long low whistle) She’s a babe. But not a happy camper. What do you suppose she did wrong to get stuck on this budget airline? How about our captain? He’s gotta be eighty. Whew boy! Definitely a Card Carrying Senior. This is where they send flight crews about to retire. Imagine after thirty years--or fifty like our captain!--you get to your last flight and then. Bam. Really is your last flight. We’ll be lucky if we get a bag of chips on this shabby ride. Probably our last meal too. Do you see this? Check out the rips in this seat belt. The fabric on this seat’s gotta be forty years old. Hear that engine sputtering? Oh, boy. Not a good sign. Just look at the condensation on those wings! ” And so on.
Oh the joys of being Dennis’s air travel companion. Hopefully you spent some time at that bar, brought your rosary beads, or at least your earbuds. (FYI: no doubt that poor man’s perspiration issue ensued only after Dennis’s soothing Takeoff Messaging.)
Gut Laugh
You could also bet he’d miss the flight, lose his phone, arrive a day late or a day early. But you were OK with that because whenever he actually appeared, you would feel giddy with happiness. And at some point during his visit, you would absolutely find yourself laughing uncontrollably. 🍸
According to legend, though it was not always intentional, Dennis may in fact hold the world’s record for making other people gut laugh. Self-deprecation was his specialty.
In Canada, in a haunted house, despite a childhood spent enduring harmless Boo! pranks by his maternal grandmother, twenty-year-old athletic Dennis, was petrified. After going past one too many creepy gory howling things in corners, he began emitting ear-splitting screams (think pre-teen girl pitch 😱). Launching himself into combat mode, he committed himself to running blindly through the dark winding corridors toward what he hoped was an exit, all the while maniacally thrashing his arms like weapons.
But.
His (as usual) completely opposite and unfazed sister Darlena could not keep up with him, having doubled over near the entrance in a fit of giggles at her brother’s panicked attempts to flee. Unable to collect herself, Darlena desperately crossed her legs, but to no avail, and promptly peed herself. When Dennis realized he was on a solo flight from hell, he doubled all the way back, still yelling like a banshee. When he tried hauling her up over his shoulder, this ridiculous attempt set off Darlena’s giggles again, turning her legs to jelly. Shouting wild curses, Dennis resumed some version of a stumbling sprint, half-carrying, half-dragging his sister all the way toward the glowing exit sign.
When they emerged, Darlena, with tears of laughter streaming down her face, was in soaking wet jeans and in possession of just one shoe. Staunchly refusing to return and retrieve it, Dennis carried his sister piggy-back style all the way to the hotel.
Darlena still cannot tell this story with any semblance of dignity.
Public urinating aside, no matter what your condition, you could count on Dennis to lift you in spirit, mind, and when necessary, soaking wet body.
Bouncer
When it’s 3 a.m. and you’re a very inebriated Jason A., Dennis is your phone call. On this occasion, to be the impromptu bouncer at your party, because you know he’ll rush across town clad only in his boxers if necessary (Probability dictates Den 100% cannot find a clean pair of jeans, his wallet, or a coat when you call).
He arrives in mismatched socks but with fire in his belly, wielding his best weapon: Brotherly Love. When he finds you beating your chest in drunken victory after you’ve kicked the sh#@?! out of the Unruly Coat Rack with the hat and jacket on it (which you’ve mistaken for some ornery dude refusing to leave your party) Dennis will congratulate your bravado and solemnly inspect the scattered remains of your comatose hat-rack.
Following a 3 a.m. meal of fried eggs and bacon (Den is awake, so therefore ravenous 😜), Dennis will lean back, pat his happy belly and gravely vow to take down any other out of control guests, furniture, or decor at any time, under any circumstances.
Dennis, Defender of the people. Guardian from Evil Coat Racks. Friend to the punchline end. 🍸
Cigarettes, Krispy Kreme, and Chic-Fil-A
Dennis never managed to stay in his own lane because his wild ride was more like a 26 lane freeway. For example, when his hesitant cousin Jonah, a distance runner, was too intimidated to attempt his first marathon race, Dennis immediately offered himself up...as Jonah’s Emotional Support Animal. 🐕
At the time Dennis specialized in body-building, occasional cigarettes and/or cannabis, so it’s safe to say that running, much less racing, was not his forte. At some super fun point, Jonah realized they were running the wrong way. #BrilliantThinkersAreAlsoHighlyDistractedAirHeadsJustAskEinstein #SomeOfThemAreAlsoJustHigh
Dennis, burly and possessing no sense of stride, because the only speed he was ever on was lightning fast relay style, was barely keeping pace. Unable to form coherent words as he was busy trying to breathe, he waved Jonah on. Jonah whirled around and hauled his marathon booty, and despite this rocky start, went on to win his first marathon.
Meanwhile, Huff and Puff Den was trying desperately to catch up to a pregnant woman pushing her twins in a jog stroller. A loooong time later, Dennis stumbled across the finish line. Collapsing to his knees, just ahead of barely perspiring Mommy-to-Be and her babies, he told his Aunt "Lees," under no circumstances would he allow himself to come in behind them, even if it killed him.
#DiesTryingWasAlwaysHisThing
Gasping for oxygen with his hands on knees, he devoured a dozen sausage biscuits, donuts, and a gallon of Gatorade, then stood upright and rubbed his shocked stomach, muttering, “Whew! Bad idea.”
#DenAndTheStuffedTickLook
But this did not stop Dennis from wildly cheering for his cousin Jonah who was waving his winning trophy. Championing others, encouraging them, partaking of absolutely anything to help them, was Dennis’s own special brand of magic. And oh yeah, he probably did this in borrowed socks/shorts//shirt 🍸as his own were very likely in another state, in another friend’s house. 😘
Gym Rat (Rodent Stories, part 1)
Dennis was a gifted athlete. Growing up, he was coordinated, smart, and fast. Better than average at every sport he attempted, his coaches singled him out and mentored him. He was a good natured kid who listened to instruction and pushed himself to improve. And Dennis dug being part of a team because his teammates always became his friends.
Dennis’s dad was a talented soccer and football player; his stepdad was also an accomplished athlete who went on to coach football and basketball. Because of his admiration for both of them, Dennis formed a similar lifetime fitness habit. He was high energy! It’s unclear, however, if he ever actually paid for a membership because he nabbed every single Freebie Trial Gym Offer in existence. He constantly tried the newest and latest one on for size. Tough on himself, he pushed his body way past its limits, and he expected the same of others.
No fitness class was beyond his reach. So it should not be surprising that he never experienced quite so much agony and humiliation as when he impulsively took up evening yoga classes, much to the amusement (and delight) of a group of very flexible, calm, and very attractive young moms.
It’s safe to say the environment attracted him.😍 (see art, beauty, order)
In this class, the only thing he had going for him was his ability to laugh at himself. He was inflexible and not the slightest bit at ease. Relaxation was smoking pot or jet skiing, not kumbaya music and meditation.
His other saving grace was that, as usual, he proved to be tremendously entertaining. 🍸 Apparently, even the instructor was unable to keep a straight face when Dennis attempted to balance himself or lift an extended leg in downward dog. Crisscrossing his calves while seated was entirely out of the question.
But nothing was outside the realm of this young man’s curiosity, not even attempting to form a pretzel out of a weightlifter’s physique.
Dennis would fearlessly and knowingly make a fool of himself, if it meant he could experience and learn something new, and especially if that environment was populated with beautiful members of the opposite sex. One of his most powerful legacies is if you’re given a chance to try something challenging, don’t sweat what others think, laugh right along with them, and Just Do It.
Slow Jog Take it Easy
Not keen on moderation, Pumping Iron Dennis once joined his mom for her regular 3 mile slow jog/fast walk around the local track. Dennis jumped out of the car as if he’d just heard a gunshot. He ran at breakneck speed most of the way around the track, then keeled over in the grass. When Miko finally caught up to him (she was in a regular jog like other normal people), he was on all fours. She asked him what on earth he thought he was doing??!!
He gasped, “Oh, man. This jogging thing is great! I’m done.”
Miko: “That was jogging??”
“Hey, Ma! Did you bring anything to eat?” That’s how he rolled. Go big and go home. And don’t forget the snack.
Pick a Subject, Any Subject
Dennis is perhaps best known for captivating people’s hearts and minds. He specialized in the art of conversation. Time and discourse were his specialty. You lost all sense of the clock when he engaged you. Tick Tock. 🍸
If classrooms bored him, the real world kept him spellbound. Self-taught, he did many of those weird things very intelligent people do, like reading physics books for kicks (a quality his sister shares, except she had the patience to earn several degrees). He absorbed an array of unrelated subjects: history, astronomy, stocks and bonds, bitcoin and all the financial markets, architecture, science, the culinary arts, technology, the fine arts, physical fitness, nutrition, and health, you name it. He tackled the Bible in 2020, saying he was late to the game, and had to catch up so he could have a better understanding of God.
It always fascinated Miko that no matter what she might have learned about any random subject, if she brought it up to her son, he not only knew what she was talking about, he added interesting facts to her own knowledge base.
Every. Single. Time. 🍸
Hypothetically Speaking (Rodent Stories, Part 2)
Dennis brought fresh life to random subjects. You were apt to walk away shaking your head. You never knew you cared about (insert any topic here)...well, for instance, guinea pigs, had frankly never wasted a single brain cell considering them, are not entirely sure you can identify one in a lineup of critters.
BUT.
After one of Dennis’s impassioned and illuminating talks, you find yourself donating your hard-earned money to make sure every country makes it illegal to only own one. Those are herd animals! They need friends! Switzerland passed the 2 guinea pig law! Go, Switzerland!
You find the Swiss Alps on a map. You’ve never been to Europe. You start planning a trip to the Matterhorn. When you show Dennis a litter of guinea piggies you’ve adopted, he laughs and says they are, in fact, a species of rodent from South America, not really a miniature pig. This is terrible news. You are freaked out by rats, dislike hamsters, and you feel bad for mice but most certainly cannot stand them. Ick. And now you are a Rodent Owner. Double Ick.
You threaten to name the feistiest one D Lord Tick Tock. He puts that little fellow in his pocket (where his phone is supposed to be) and promises to train it. He begins while you google “pig facts.” When you look up, you panic because Den’s tiny pocket pig appears to be unconscious. Den proudly grins, patting it gently, says it’s playing dead.
He then tells you ancient Peruvians worshiped animals and often featured this little rodent in their art. You circle Peru on a map. Start researching South America.
And so on.
Speaking Of Rodents (Rodent Stories, Part 3)
Kim M., Dennis’s longtime sweetheart, is a devoted animal lover. When her house was rented out, it became a Wayward Home for Mice. She was absolutely beside herself when Dennis gave her the Bad News, that her home was zoned as a Humans Only residence.
No Mice Allowed.
Dennis loved nature! He loved animals! He loved Kim! But he could not support the Rodent Invasion. He had no choice but to convert it into a Mouse Trap.
Kimmy wept in horror whenever one was caught. To ease her distress, he instantly transformed himself into the Mice Whisperer, doing everything in his power to provide comfort to her and the mouse, stopping just short of conducting actual Mouse Burials. He’d speak softly to the trapped critter, gently petting it until it became calm and still, and they locked eyes.
He did this with every single one, just before The Big (but respectful) Goodbye.
Pointless Reader Reviews
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
So, now we’re spending paragraphs on Den preferring a coma to a meaningless chat. Awww. Poor baby. Wah Wah. 💀, go get a bottle and suck it. What about us?! We’re being forced to read 1000 pages of drivel that includes heavyweight discussions like when the baby superhero took his first bionic steps. How about that for irony, Uncle Bob Teacher of the Other Whining Brat in the Panic Room?!!
📚🚵🏿⛺️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Bob, Mod Renaissance English Teacher Cycling Across Continents Sleeping in a Tent Taking Fine Arts Images & Reading Books Walking in Forests Like Stephen King & Buddhist Monks
Hmm...Yes, yes. Excellent example of irony. Peachy Keen, add that to your notes. I’ll have a bonus question on the exam regarding this, if we ever get to the end of this ordeal.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by The Narrator in Fight Club
Only Adult and anyone else with still sober enough to notice the obvious, “This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.”
(" "Fight Club, Quotes and More)
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Many thanks for reminding me that there are 60 prolonged seconds in each minute.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Kathleen Madigan
Listen, Only Adult in the Room, only the Bhuddist English Bicyclist and the Whining Brat give a rat’s ass about irony. Sarcasm is way more fun and covers the beer tab. In high school, I thought it was cool when I was voted most likely not to make a living because you know, I got a lot of votes. Who knew I’d grow up and make bank by traveling to inhospitable war zones in Iraq and Afghanistan wearing trendy “sheet-wear.” Also, I don’t have time to help you find bottles for the weird baby because the dead guy’s rodent speech really got me. I’ve spent the last hour googling guinea pigs for sale on Amazon, so I don’t accidentally save a rat. I’m thinking it takes planning skills to trap mice and sing them to death, so small pig duty is better for my lifestyle of yoga pants, Guinness, and satirical Virginia Slims.
(" "Kathleen Madigan, Youtube) #HowDoYouLikeMeNow
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Sophie Dahl
“When I was a child, I named my rabbit Pancake and my guinea pig Maple Syrup.”
(" "Sophie Dahl, BrainyQuote)
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Peter Rabbit smothered in guinea pig syrup sounds delicious. Is Aunty Leesa ever going to finish cleaning something that doesn’t need it so we can eat?!
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Betty White, Fluent in Dr. Suess
A feast of hogs and hares! “Would you eat them in a box? Would you eat them with a fox?”
(" "Green Eggs and Ham, Bookroo)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Shaquille O’Neal
Bunnies and swine? "That’s horrible. No, you know what that is? That’s horrawful. That’s horrible and awful mixed together. Horrawful."
(" " Shaquille On’Neal, BSO Entertainment)
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
I wouldn’t knock it ‘til you try it, Shaq. It might be the Keto-friendly meal you get in this joint. Not counting Drummer Jonah’s joint and Uncle Joe’s cocktails.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Innocent Victim Seated Next To Dennis on a Flight
Haven’t been higher than my 2nd floor apartment in ten years. But, in this weird Not and Obit party, Drummer Jonah’s bowl is tempting.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by the Ghost of Jonathan Winters
“If God had really intended man to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport.”
(Jonathan Winters, SComedy)
🆘🆘☆ Reviewed by Patrick Zani + Topher His Spirit Twin, 1-800-SupportForDummies
Listen up, All of You, aerophobia is an egomaniacal condition in which one fails to recognize the magical talents of a pilot who can lift a fake steel bird into the heavens where no one belongs but God and who then pushes the autopilot button so he/she can chillax and partake of mini snacks that challenge 2 finger insertion, all while preventing your miniature alcoholic beverage from spilling a single precious drop. For Very Few of You in the Mile High Club, having intercourse on a jet is an expensive first class option to relieve stress/anxiety, but given the state of the seats that 💀 has accurately described above, this option is unsanitary at best; for Most of You, Frequent Flyer Bar visits are a proven and effective strategy. [Topher in Spirit: Captains excluded.]
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Tom Hanks, Who Could Run for Mr. Nice Guy Prez and Get All the Votes, Including the Ones Georgia Won’t Count
Look, kids, I know flying looks mysterious. This is because piloting is only attainable by the world’s most elite magicians or most distinguished actors. I, for instance, have been known to step into random cockpits to relieve exhausted magicians. Just from being in a flight simulator for 30 seconds means I can now land a jet on a lily pad in the middle of a large pond without so much as displacing the frog. It’s all part of the hard work of looking more important than other people. There’s pressure on actors to step in for overworked doctors, lawyers, surgeons, nuclear physicists, astronauts, and the like. I just take it in stride. It’s part of the job.
❓❓⭐ Reviewed by Hunter, Grace & Jackson Lord
Can you please sign something that looks pretty close to Sally Field’s signature on this coaster, Mr. Gump?
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, American Hero in Denial
Forrest is right. It’s much more dangerous to be an actor than to be a pilot. Actors are unemployed high strung folks who freelance in occupations they know nothing about, putting their crews and their clients at enormous risk.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Michael Dickinson Bioengineer and Neuroscientist
Which brings us to Diptera, which sounds like a disease but is just a fancy word for maggot. “When you see a fly flitting around your hair or your potato salad, you might see an annoyance. But in my lab, you really see a marvelous machine: arguably the most sophisticated flying device on the planet.”
(" "Michael Dickinson, Brainy Quote)
🍁🍄💼☆ Reviewed by Drummer Jonah, One Man Boy Band Baby Faced Ted Talking Jiu-Jitsu Practicing CEO CAO CDO CFO CIO CMO COO
Anything that has the audacity to live long enough to become a fly is not annoying, it’s revolting.
#BuyFlySwattersInHomeDepot
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jeff Goldblum in Seth Brundles’ Voice
As long as you don’t get hung up in a VP’s hair, being a fly can be a beautiful thing.
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
I’d seriously kill for some potato salad with a pinch of Goldblum in it.
🌲📖☆ Reviewed by Jimbo, Fluent in Henry David Thoreau
“Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.” In this case, burn down the word forest.
(" "Henry David Thoreau, KeepInspiringMe)
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunt Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Fine, no dash of fly. Just the salad then.
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
JimThoreauBo, setting forests ablaze is against the law, and we don't need reminders that crappy obits should also be outlawed. The only way to simplify this is to euthanize the manuscript, which is also mostly illegal. I think it's legal if you get away with it. I'd also like to say it’s very confusing to have a superhero as a protagonist who is paralyzed by fear simply walking through a haunted house.
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
Didn’t he run though?!! And you’re the Only Adult who pissed your pants, right? Or did you drag him out? I can’t remember who lost the shoe! And do we have to know like the name of the city or just like Canada??
#AtPanicRoomWhiteBoard
🍻🍻☆ Reviewed by Joey, Man of Few but Slurred Words
Letsseee. He ran and dragged her. She wet herself and shloshed a shoe. Just Canada, little buddy.
#ToThePointWhiteboardWiz
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Oda Mae Brown Who Sounds Just Like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost
Only Adult, listen to me. “He's stuck, that's what it is. He's in between worlds. You know it happens sometimes that the spirit gets yanked out so fast that the essence still feels it has work to do here.”
(" "Oda Mae Brown, Ghost IMDB)
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Fine! Then his work should be figuring out how to clean up this mess of a Not An Obit he left behind.
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
Aunty Leesa might have something to clean it with. Her laundry room looks like a mini-Costco.
🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse
In my defense, I was drunker than most of the Uninvited Guests at Uncle Joe’s 2 Star bar.
🎵🎵☆ Reviewed by Jazz /J:Essential, Poppa Bear’s Baby Bear
Dtzamn. That’s impressive, Jason-Ali.
Mrs. Doubtfire Rating Tallier w/a Fake British Accent Like Madonna: Ahhh yes. Welcome to the Potbelly Eatery, where we serve high as a kite Nutellas while they recline in Cookie Dough couches and have Lunchable picnics. We’ll roll a big fat greek cinnamon salad, mix up a Top Ramen Slurpee and an appetizer of Pizza Dorito Rolls for the Half Baked Guests who can’t find the couch. Then we’ll carry out funyun trays of oreos dating twinkies and procreating chocolate chip cookies. Finally, we’ll pop some cheez whiz tarts and top that with a lovely swirl of marshmallow fluff.
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunt Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Doubtfire, if you ever speak in aphrodisiac tongue again, I’m going to picture you as a munchie, and then I’m going to munch. I hope I’m being incredibly unclear so you will, in fact, repeat yourself.
🎵🎵☆ Reviewed by Jazz /J:Essential, Poppa Bear’s Baby Bear
Does anyone else think the first part sounds like the Beatles? “(...)Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies, Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers, That grow so incredibly high(...)?”
(" "Beatles, Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds, AZLyrics)
🍁🍄💼☆ Reviewed by Drummer Jonah, One Man Boy Band Baby Faced Ted Talking Jiu-Jitsu Practicing CEO CAO CDO CFO CIO CMO COO
Hey, now. Easy there, Jazz Very Essential to this Convo. Hit that reverse pedal. LSD is a serious drug. We only take hand-rolled comedy meant for humoring the immune system. This weed, for example, is strictly for medicinal purposes, so it cannot be prescribed by western doctors who prefer ill patients. As Only Adult keeps repeating ad nauseam, good humor stimulants are only to keep us from having to read more of this desperately musically challenged dirge.
#LinksOnThisSiteAreNOTAffiliateLinksAsThatWouldBeSuperTackyAndWeird
#WeAreWeirdAndDevastatedButNotDisgusting
