On a Florida vacay, as they entered a packed restaurant, Dennis rushed to open the door for Kim and accidentally stepped on the hem of her strapless beach dress, leaving her momentarily partially disrobed and screaming, with both of them scrambling to cover her up, much to the delight of the gentlemen diners with a free Front Row Seat to the Denny & Kimmy Show.
a) True
b) Kim wishes it were False.
#TheHazardsOfDatingDen
c) To make things even more pleasurable for Kim, Dennis’s mom and dad were present at this special event.
Answer: All of the above. Fun times for Kimmy. 💖
💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
No comment. Oh, except one: to the guy who keeps messaging for photos to prove this P.D.H. happened: Bite Me.
#NoMoreWeirdFamilyReunions #StraplessHazardsAreReal
Hint: P.D.H. = Public Display of Humiliation
🐶🐶☆ Reviewed by Kim Moffe’s Puppy Love Groupies
(We will) Kill the messenger.
#ToeTagHe’sIt #💝PuppySchoolGraduates #GermanShepherdGuardDogs
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Doh Doh Doh, Doh Doh Doh
“This hit, that ice cold that” Kimmy Pfeiffer “that white gold. This one, for them hood girls. Them good girls, straight masterpieces.”
(" "Mark Ronson, Bruno Mars Uptown Funk Lyrics)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Front Row of the Restaurant
We didn't message the young lady, but we are the witnesses. This really happened. Just wanted to express our thanks here for the impromptu performance. We liked the part when her boyfriend fell all over himself trying to help but just made matters worse by tripping on other parts of her hem. #WeWouldn’tKickHerOuttaBedForEatingCrackers
💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
I can’t with this.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Back Row of the Restaurant
So, those were his folks, then? Makes sense now. We wondered why the freakishly tall guy looked away so fast. Almost gave himself whiplash!
🏍🏍☆ Reviewed by Freakishly Tall Guy/Whiplash Mike
My neck still hurts.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Restaurant Wait Staff
Oh, yeah, sure. We remember this couple: Attentrance and Attantrum. #CrackingOurselvesUp
😍😍😍 Reviewed by Not the Mom
Kimberly’s dress was so pretty! I don’t think anybody would have even noticed except she had all those cute tan lines. It might have been all the screaming, too. And Den really was panicking! But when Kimmy pushed him hard enough, he finally kind of tripped away from her, and then she was free and put her clothes right back on. Mike had already ripped off his own shirt by then. But his eyes were closed so tightly while he was waving his rescue shirt around, and I just wasn't tall enough to get a good grip on it to cover up our Kimmy. But for goodness sakes! It was only a few minutes. I don’t see what all the fuss is about.
☆☆☆ Not Reviewed by 💀 This Is A Plea
Ma! Please stop talking.
🏍🏍☆ Reviewed by Freakishly Tall Guy/Whiplash Mike
Make that a double.
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Well, isn't that just peachy keen. We're four thousand words in, and you are just now asking her to stop, 💀 ?!!
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
Can we please say the cat's meow, bees knees, all that and a bag of chips--
📚🚵🏿⛺️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Bob, Mod Renaissance English Teacher Cycling Across Continents Sleeping in a Tent Taking Fine Arts Images & Reading Books Walking in Forests Like Stephen King & Buddhist Monks
That's an impressive emergency list of synonyms, Bag of Peachy Chips Keen.
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
I have a lot more. I need them like a lot.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by The Marine Who Escorted Lady Gaga And Did Not Step On Her Gown
Kim with the high risk dress, call me. I can help.
☠️☠️️☠️️ Reviewed by Dead Posse
At ease, soldier. Nobody’s calling the girl.
🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse
Oh, hells yeah! All Dead Posse eyes on that marine, please, and thank you.
☠️☠️️☠️️ Reviewed by Dead Posse
Just two.
🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse
Right. Lots more eyes to go around. Copy that.
When Dennis brought his gorgeous girlfriend to his family reunion on Cape Cod, Den's young cousins were rowdy and clowning around until the doorbell rang and Kim walked in. They fell completely silent, following her like a thunderstruck litter of puppies from the front door to the kitchen, where they stood, smitten and wagging their tails while staring at her beautiful face for the better part of an hour.
Little Bit True Extremely True
Answer: Extremely spellbound. They also moonlighted as Kim’s Entourage of Personal Bodyguards for the entire visit.
🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse
Hey, so, Kimmy's Brave Entourage. Any chance you fellas want to swap places? Put your lives between Kimmy and Dead Posse? Any chance of that?
🐶🐶☆ Reviewed by Kim’s Entourage of Personal Bodyguards
Hard Pass.
💪🏋💪 Reviewed by Ronnie Coleman, The G.O.A.T.|
What they said.
Dennis had a tattoo of In God We Trust across his abdomen. What are most of Kim’s tattoos?
Butterflies Dragonflies Hummingbirds
💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
I've got this! Dragonflies! Remember, babe? You said if you were reincarnated, you wanted to come back and be able to fly?! And I told you you’d probably be at the Heavenly Bar and miss the flight for dragonflies, and end up being a housefly?! LOL Remember that, babe? Oh, good times, babe, good times.
☠️☠️☠️ Reviewed by Dead Posse
How precious.
🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse
Hey! That sounded like an insult! But I could be wrong. No judgment here. All good.
#StaysInFraidyCatLane
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
So if we’re swatting away at an annoying buzzing fly, kind of like this insanely long fake eulogy, it’s probably Den.
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
No, there would have to be food in the room to attract one. Other than Jeff Goldblum’s brief appearance, I haven’t seen a single insect, and I've been on the lookout. I've watched enough Survivor to know I'd dig right into a yummy bowl of beetles or some other disgusting bug.
#ThisIsCalledStarvationSpeak
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
Ewww! Like, Yuck!
🍁🍄💼☆ Reviewed by Drummer Jonah,One Man Boy Band Baby Faced Ted Talking Jiu-Jitsu Practicing CEO CAO CDO CFO CIO CMO COO
I would greatly appreciate all nausea-inducing conversations about Goldblum, maggots, or Dennis morphing into flies be erased from my memory forever.
☠️☠️️☠️️ Reviewed by Dead Posse
That can be arranged.
#BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor #DeadPosse'sAlwaysListeningLikeBadSanta
Dennis had to outrun:
A bear Pitbulls A pregnant woman pushing a jog stroller
Answer: Pitbulls, to survive and a prego pushing a stroller to salvage his pride as Jonah’s Support Animal; he was also stalked by a bear while walking back to his place after dusk, in Alaska, but no one can outrun a bear, Dumbass, so he did not try that. See Pissed Off Reaper.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by the Pitbulls
Mad respect.
#GoBigOrGoHomeBigPoppa #GreasedLightningHomme #FeetOnSpeedDial
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
That's so cool! Drummer Jonah, remember that time 💀 pigged out on Aunty Leesa's Friday Feast and then said yes to our race challenge! He smoked us! It was so awesome when he fell over in the grass and looked like he was gonna puke!
🍁🍄💼☆ Reviewed byDrummer Jonah,One Man Boy Band blahblahblah.
Yeah, that was weird and impressive. I honestly couldn't believe how fast he ran down that street and how far ahead he was. He was seriously fast. Pretty sure he didn't throw up though. Dennis never wasted food.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Disgruntled Pregnant Marathon Runner Pushing Double Jog Stroller
Whatever. He did not outrun me.
#WhiningNotWinning
⭐☆☆ Reviewed by Disgruntled Twins Being Pushed In Jog Stroller
Is that the guy who ate all the donuts? He made our crazy Preggers mommy hook every corner on one wheel for five miles! Keep your binky in your mouth, or you WILL swallow bugs.
#PackMorePampers #NoMoreBugAThons #We’dRatherGetVaccineShots
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Steven Tyler, Dispenses Only Wisdom on the Wagon
“Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.”
(" " Steven Tyler)
🍁🍄💼☆ Reviewed by Drummer Jonah, One Man Boy Band blahblahblah
Tyler, I seriously beg to differ. Under no circumstances would I allow an insect to get near enough to make that kind of intimate physical disgusting contact. That's just barbaric.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Disgusting Flying Insects
Noted. Making our hit list and checking it twice. 'Til then, Drummer J., keep your CEO COO binky in, and your CFO CTO eyes wide open.
🍷⚡️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Joe, the Drinking Bartender w/a Hero Complex
Holy Windstorm! Aerial Bug threats! Take cover with Jason A. under the counter, CEO Drummer Son! I'm on this! [Opens a champagne bottle and sprays it wildly in every direction]
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Greeeaaat. Now I'm soaked in extra dry bubbly. Drummer Jonah, please stop triggering heroic activity in the bartender. He's drunk enough to start missing our glasses. Keep your entomological phobias in check.
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
But it's still better than like piss, though, right, Only Adult?
🍻🍻☆ Reviewed by Joey, Man of Few but Slurred Words
Shlam dunk insults, little bro. Pissing contest on.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Ryan Reynolds, Unofficial Celebrity Mettle Tester
“Marathon running, for me, was the most controlled test of mettle that I could ever think of. It's you against Darwin.”
(" "Ryan Reynolds, Brainy Quote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Ghost of Charles Darwin
Eat my dust, snail sloth Reynolds.
On a flight to Oahu, a girl sitting next to Dennis developed a mad crush on him.
a) Highly Probable, unless she was missing any of her 5 senses
b) Absofrigginlutely
Answer: Absofrigginlutely, despite his alarming Pre-Flight Check speech.
😍😍😍 Reviewed by Not the Mom
Oh, I remember that! When Den spotted her on the beach, a few days later, he jumped behind Mike! It was so cute and funny to see him trying to hide.
🏍🏍☆ Reviewed by Freakishly Tall Guy/Whiplash Mike
He almost toppled me over, trying to take cover. He kept asking me what the hell he said to her on the flight. How would I know? I had my headset on before he started his doomed flight paranoia thing.
😍😍😍 Reviewed by Not the Mom
Oh, my word. She was so smitten with our Den! He accidentally charmed the senses out of her. He was always doing that, without meaning to, of course.
☆☆☆ Not Reviewed by 💀 This is An Ask Not a Review
Ma. Not helping. Wow. Can you please stop remembering anything?
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by S. S. O. Dennis’s Dewy Eyed Seatmate With Intact Senses
I’m happily ever after with 1 husband who doesn’t scare the crap out of me when we board a flight with our 2.5 kids and our fake dog in his special travel cage. We pre-flight plan with 100 bottles of Covid wine, stocked in neat rows in our temperature controlled wine cellar. I don’t care about that disappointing Final Rose moment, but Dennis’s pre-flight check was brutal.
🏓💄🏡 ☆ Reviewed by Aunt Leesa, Plays Pickleball Well with Others
S.O.S.! My friend list is full! I only have time to bake, throw parties for, counsel, partner in sports, and provide creative organizational inspiration for 7 friends, but, girl, you and I have to talk! Let’s have our Morkies friend each other on Facebook! Can’t wait to compare our organized wine cellars!
Hint: S.O.S. = Susie Overly Smitten
Dennis made his Frequent Flyer Visit to a Bar with whom?
a) his paternal grandfather b) his mom
Answer: Grandpa. And his mom, if she was going to be sitting next to him on the plane.
While Dennis was in HI, was his 75 year old Grandpa carded for a drink?
True or False
🤓🍸☆ Reviewed by Ghost of Den's Grandpa
Those morons! Only if you're Under the Weather Upstairs would you card a bald senior. Every time I was at the bar, which was most of the time, that same nobchop asked for my I.D. No wonder our country is on the decline. Decent bartenders make the American dream world go round. One of the last great bartenders, my grandson Denny, is over here, on the other side. We have excellent service. It’s never 5 o’clock anywhere but everybody drinks, even the teetotalers are reformed. Nobody asks for identification. They do that at the gate when you first arrive, and nobody stamps your hand because you’re not going back. Perfectly concocted Bombay Sapphire Martinis, Straight Up With a Twist. No Baby Lees spring water garbage. Just Gin and grins.
#SquirrelHaunter
⭐☆☆ Reviewed by Dazed & High(ly) Confused Internet Surfer
‘Alright, alright, alright.’
(Ad Lib by Matthew McConaughey)
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
So stupointless bartenders are just like this essay in trying my patience. Stupid and pointless.
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
I don't think drunk Uncle Joe can card anyone in this bar, Only Adult. He took out his contacts as a safety precaution way back on page 1. So wash the Brut off your face, and be grateful we can drink in peace, even if it means we're occasionally subjected to a blind panicking bartender.
Why was Dennis stranded in Honolulu for over a month?
a) Lost his phone
b) Missed the return flight
c) Donated his wallet to the Pacific Ocean while diving into at night on his first night there
Answer: Dove into the Pacific and lost the wallet, but a + b probably also happened.
When he hit the jackpot with Kim, what gift did Dennis buy her?
Puppy Guinea pig Mouse
🐶🂱🂱 Reviewed by Tilly, Kim’s dog, named after Den’s maternal grandmother
I don’t appreciate the rodent options as answers to this question.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Guinea Pig and Mouse
Said the bitch eating baby food out of a bowl. We hunt, trap, and chew, Shrilly Tilly. Later, hater.
True or False: Den almost died from boredom.
💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim , Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Oh, fun! A trick question! I know this one! It’s both!! True + False!! He was too busy to be bored! But some instagram posts almost killed him!
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Anyone unfortunate enough to happen upon this Non-Obit is at risk for Death by Boredom. Or Confusion. Or Despair. Or Migraine. Or a lethal combination.
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
And that message was bitchily brought to you by Only Adult in the Room Herself, Captain Can We Get More Obvious. We now return to our regular crappy programming.
⭐☆☆ Reviewed by Dazed & High(ly) Confused Internet Surfer
‘Alright, alright, alright.’
(Matthew McConaughey, Ad Lib, Daily Mail)
At 8 years of age, Dennis broke his two permanent front teeth in half playing:
Baseball Football Soccer Basketball
Answer: He embedded them in a concrete pole while dunking a basket.
How many times would Dennis ask you, Are we there yet? (as an adult)
Once per mile Never, he was asleep
Hint: Dennis, the Inquisitive Mile Marker
Answer: Both, depending on how soon he drifted off; he may well have asked Sig Decker this question 26 times on July 27, 2020 😍
Dennis broke his knee doing which of the following:
Skiing Back flipping Running of the Bulls
Answer: Doing a flip but outrunning a bull would have been his preference.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Dalton, Who Sounds Just Like Patrick Swayze
“Take the biggest guy in the world, shatter his knee and he'll drop like a stone.”
(" "Dalton, Roadhouse IMDB)
🍁🍄💼☆ Reviewed by Drummer Jonah, One Man Boy Band blahblahblah
Fairly standard slay-the-opponent technique in jiujitsu. Usually isn't self-imposed however. That was backflipping brutal, Cousin Dennis.
🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse
Whoooeee. You're tellin me. I was there for that mishap. Not pretty.
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
So just like this reading experience. Ugly meets a Flipped Out DumbAss and makes a baby.
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Directors Voice
And, we're back. Stay tuned for the repetitive after show, when Andy Cohen chats it up with Bitter Obit Betty.
💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Oh! That was the worst trip back to New York ever! Talk about mile markers from hell! Oh, babe, remember that? When I was your Florence Nightengale driver and you were in so much pain?
☆☆☆ Not Reviewed by 💀 This is a Bad Driving Memory
No conscious human could forget how you managed to hit every single rut, bump, dead carcass, or piece of debris from Pennsylvania to New York on that ride from hell. It was a feat only you could accomplish, Florence.
💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Ohhhh!! That's why you kept screaming! I thought it was just regular broken knee pain. Yeah, that makes total sense now, babe! Smooches!!
Dennis tried his hand at all of the following occupations: pipeline, construction, carpentry, tending bar, landscaping, highway painting crew, commercial fishing, desk job. Which did he almost die doing?
Answer: pipeline + desk job. Pipeline: Because of a co-worker’s error, Dennis missed being incinerated by mere seconds. Shaken, he spent time reviewing procedures with this person after this incident. Desk Job: He worked briefly at a Call Center. At the end of each lonnnngggg day, he called his mom so she'd know he had not yet Taken A Machete to His Cubicle or Lost His Mind. He entertained her with Brain Dead Boss anecdotes. His co-workers were reprimanded for gut laughing while listening to Dennis’s off-the-cuff highly amusing “sales” conversations while he wadded up sales scripts for practicing his Basketball Trashcan Technique. Hence, the phrase “worked briefly.” 😊
Which finger did Dennis cut off half of in a construction accident?
Pointer Ring Index Pinkie
Answer: Sadly, he could no longer flip a convincing bird with that rightie.
#UndignifiedMiddleDigit
While working at Mcdonald's as a teenager, Dennis:
a) Lost control of the milkshake machine which became an Open Milkshake Hydrant, spraying cashiers, customers, and himself in vanilla cream
b) Gave mostly free food away every day for the first week he worked the drive-through because he was shy, nervous, and making mistakes.
c) Was recognized as Fryer of the Month
Answer: C is Uncle Joe, the rest is all Den.
🍻🍷⚡︎ Reviewed by Uncle Joe,the Drinking Bartender w/a Hero Complex
Holy Corrections! It was 2nd Place Fryer of the Month.
🏓💄🏡 ☆ Reviewed by Aunty Leesa, If You Can’t Take The Heat, Stay Out Of The Kitchen.
Oh, I'm so proud. Congratulations! What happened to first place, though? Is that something we could work on together? I have that new state of the art air fryer. I'm sure we can up our game, honey!
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Snoop Dog
Aunty Leesa, I'm digging your kitchen killer thinking. "If it's flipping hamburgers at McDonald's, be the best hamburger flipper in the world. Whatever it is you do you have to master your craft."
(" "Snoop Dog, InspiringQuotes)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by James Franco
“I worked the drive-through at McDonald's and tried out different accents - Italian, Russian, Irish.
(" "James Franco, BrainyQuote)
❓❓⭐ Reviewed by Hunter, Grace & Jackson Lord
Sure you did, Franco. And that was for an acting gig, right? Here, press your hand to this shot glass please. Thank you.
🕵🕵☆ Reviewed by Dennis Lord the 1st, Den II Precursor Prototype DNA Parent, Spy Novelist Fluent In 3 Languages From Watching The Bourne Supremacy
Nice.
Growing up, Dennis and Darlena excelled at which activity:
Lego-building
Swimming
Arguing
Killing off otherwise healthy cells in their Referee Mom’s brain
Answer: Innovative builders, swimmers, “debaters” and brain cell slayers
#BrawlsAreUs
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
I take exception to the above statement regarding parental brain cells. Those were in short supply when I entered the scene. And things did not improve much. This nonsensical non-obit is a case in point.
☠️☠️️☠️ Reviewed by Dead Posse
Mad sympathy.
#NeverBlameTheEldestChild #BirthOrderMatters #WatchBitterBettyLiveWithAndyCohen
How did you know a NY lawn was landscaped by Dennis?
a) You could spot his phone in the grass
b) The lawn was decked out in creative artistic patterns
Answer He was an artist posing as a mower, but given his history with devices 😂, a) is highly probable.
The likelihood that Dennis fed starving illegal immigrants who crossed a border.
a) 100% b) 100% c) 100%
Answer: Seriously? You’re doublechecking?
#MadeYouLook
Mrs. Doubtfire Rating Tallier Who Forgot He Has a Fake British Accent Like Madonna And Said This In A Regular American Accent: Attention, lazy ungrateful amateurs training for an Olympic reading marathon and looking for a Stiff Notes shortcut! You’ve been played! This scandal-heavy QuestionAthon Cheatsheet is a Poser! That’s right! Hear that rigging in your noggin? Those are just more words about the dead guy! There’s no Cheating in Pickleball unless you know how! For more practice tips by Eat Your Wheaties Cheaties, check out ChicagoWhiteSox BarryBonds LanceArmstrong Sammy Sosa Alex Rodriguez Mark McGuire Jose Canseco Manny Ramirez and so many more! The deadbeat list goes on! Cheers, sucka! 🍸
#LinksOnThisSiteAreNOTAffiliateLinksAsThatWouldBeSuperTackyAndWeird
#WeAreWeirdAndDevastatedButNotDisgusting
