Attempt. Excel. Next. √

Attempt. Excel. Next. √

Den's modus operandi on the propeller at the Banana Point Memorial in AK.

With a fresh spin on paying it forward, his chosen career paths, wildly divergent and hazardous (naturally), created similar jobs for his loved ones, who found ourselves working full-time in the Worry Yourself Sick About Dennis industry. Fun perks included staving off heart attacks, strokes, general anxiety and other stress-related conditions related to the job. (Um, yes, Professional Worrying is a thing, people.)

Because the thing is, Dennis was one cool human.

Certainly the coolest most of us (99.9%?) will ever have the privilege to know. 🍸

Thus, All of Us were collectively desperate to keep This One breathing. In our crazed states of mind (cuckoo, nutty, unbalanced), we were unreasonably demanding in our mission, regularly swearing that we’d off him if he did not return to us in one fu#4#*&! piece !

Others live out loud but are mostly just loud. Den was fully engaged in living the dream(s); insatiably curious, he did more in a month than most people accomplish in a year.  If Dennis tried something, he learned it fast. And he’d also do it better than most. And, yeah, he wouldn’t admit this or brag about it. So annoying.

And also, he might die trying.

Fishing in Alaska

ET, Please Phone Home

Despite our illogical and nagging threats to assist the Grim Reaper 😘 if he did not check in, we could count on Dennis to find the most creative way to Lose A Phone and to Change his Phone Number 🍸, at about the same rate as other people change their clothes.

When he passed, he had not one. Not two. Not three. Yep! He had four phones in his possession. The only one that had a working number was demolished in the accident. Naturally.

And yessir, you better believe you could also count on him... to have zero! zip! nada! contact for weeks or months, then turn up breathless but intact, “Whew! Oh yeahyeahyeah! Sorry! I’m O.K.! Lost my phone!” (head nods🍸)

As he launches into his latest adventure, once again you realize this guy was moving planets and stars to make more room for other innovative ideas in the universe, while you spent the last 72 hours binge-watching Friends and whining about DoorDash mini-menus.

Busy with this while you're bingeing Friends episodes. 😆

Whenever he was AWOL, his mom used to pray, “Please God, keep him alive long enough for us to strangle him once I hear from him. I know you understand.” Den was a lit match, beaming into every room he entered. No lampshade. Just pure bright light joy.

Early Peace Sign from Den, with Darlena and Gram (Florida)

All that beaming was balanced by his fairly constant and impressive Disappearing Act to Discover More Cool Things to Experience, which inspired his mom’s friendship with a bottle of dry red. This was before weed was legal, or it could have gone either way.

On a more sober note, his dad and namesake, Dennis James Lord, is still weathering the Denny 11 storm with daily marathon monk-like sessions. Be zen for Den meditations and the like.  Mike B., Dennis’s stepdad, took it to the gym where sweating a small river became the norm.

Kayaking in one of Mike's custom built kayaks (Georgia)

But let’s be honest. This Living on the Edge approach to life meant his devices and essential items were likely to wind up anywhere (the Pacific, Atlantic, pick an ocean) except in his pocket. Likewise for the rest of his unruly belongings. Don’t believe us? Check your closet or sofa cushions. Gifted at math, Dennis would get a kick out of the probability that 99.9 % of you are the unsuspecting keepers of his shoes, socks, chapstick, “society” shirts, boxers, coat, paintings, wallet, phone, and books.

Always perched on that edge...with Mike and Darlena (Florida)

Finders Keepers

If you’re lucky enough to be a Finder, from the lower 48 to Alaska, and halfway across the pond to Hawaii, you’re part of a heavily dotted roadmap of Dennis’s friends. You are now officially a Keeper of Den’s Stuff.  👏 Not thrilled with his pair of unlaundered, mismatched socks? You were hoping for a painting? Think again. If you had a friendship with him, you’d need several lifetimes to spend the amount of care and attention Dennis showered you with. No matter how often you disappointed him, how many “debates” you had, how often you threatened to kill him for not calling, to be loved by Dennis James Lord II was a seriously good thing. 🍸

At the Cannery job (Yakutat AK)

Den was a guaranteed extended warranty on every relationship he had. Having him in your life was like winning the People Lottery. So forget the painting. Wash the sock(s).


While keeping track of stuff challenged him, the only parental role he doggedly pursued, was reserved for Cecilia Larive’s (a.k.a. Sunny’s) daughter, Sommer, who organizes her entire World of Things with labels, housing her phone and keys in special boxes and compartments and such. Go figure.

An Artist’s Eye

When Dennis’s world became too unorganized, he’d launch into Superhuman Vacuum mode, and in no time at all, he’d whip his place into a fresh and aesthetically pleasing abode. After polishing and sprucing, he was also going to repaint that accent wall again, just to see if the next hue would be even more appealing than the previous four. 😊

Den's awesome spray paint artwork on his mom's furniture 😍 

For as long as anyone can remember, Dennis had a quirky habit of being smack dab in the middle of an animated conversation, then suddenly leap out of his chair, rushing across the room to straighten a picture. This “alarming” tilt was imperceptible to anyone else’s eye. Both of his grandfathers were artists (painting, drawing, carving) and Uncle Bob is a talented fine arts photographer. Dennis likewise appreciated art and could also draw etc. He was dabbling in photography before he passed, having been gifted a camera from Uncle Bob.

Dennis's favorite oil painting at his mom's place. 

We’re sorry to say someone in Alaska decided to take ownership of that camera after Dennis died; if you’re the one with itchy fingers, please send any of Dennis’s images to his family.  We'll pay for postage! You can keep the camera, but we’d be grateful to have the images. Thanks!

Dennis prized beauty, order, and cleanliness. He just had a tough time maintaining such an atmosphere because his mind was Extremely Busy At All Times.

Pointless Reader Reviews

⭐☆☆ Reviewed by Anonymous Grave Robber
Look, no offense, but you can see the logic in someone, not me of course, thinking a Dead Guy would not have much use for a camera.

☠️☠️☠️ Reviewed by Dead Posse
Yo, Swoop Nasty: We know where you live.

💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Ooooh, Dead Posse. You zombies are balm for a deceased boyfriend’s girlfriend’s soul. Smooches all around for your loyalty anger. That’s some sweet sugar talk now, boys.  
#EskimoKisses #ZombieMovieGroupie

☆☆☆ Not Reviewed by 💀 This is a One Word Rebuke Not a Review

💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Shut the front door! That was hella fast! Hi, babe! Woo hoo!! Sweeet!

☆☆☆ Not Reviewed by 💀 This is a Longer Rebuke Not a Review
Kim. Never a good idea to seduce small groups of men, dead or alive. Give it a permanent rest, please.

💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York ‌‌
Oh, permanent rest! I get it! Hahaha OK, babe, I hear you, because you’re using your outdoor voice a lot more since you passed, but I just can’t help it! Every time I get Dead Posse flutters in my bikini worthy abdomen, you pop back in! Zipzap! Poof! So fun!!  It’s like ringing a magical doorbell! Ring-a-ding-ding and you’re back!

☆☆☆ Not Reviewed by 💀  This is a Figure of Speech Not a Review
See this is where you board one mental train, and I’m still at the station. This is not a doorbell, Kim. This is more like being tied up by Lilliputians who slowly tase you to death--again.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Betty White, Fluent in Dr. Suess
💀! “Get over here fast! Take the road to North Nitch. Turn left at Weehawken. Sharp right at South Stitch.” Once there, “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
(" "The Lorax, Bookroo; Oh, the Thinks You Can Think!, Goodreads)

🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Betty Suess, there are only big fat Greek U-turns in this messed up obit. Den, get a grip. We’re only a few pages in. Plus Kim’s fascination with hot ghosts is mildly entertaining and provides the Rest of Us an oasis from this painfully protracted reading experience. It’s like finding Aunty Leesa’s ruined drink in a desert.

📚🚵🏿‍⛺️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Bob, Mod Renaissance English Teacher Cycling Across Continents Sleeping in a Tent Taking Fine Arts Images & Reading Books Walking in Forests Like Stephen King & Buddhist Monks‌‌

🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse‌‌
Oh, hey, Kimmy, let’s not ring-a-ding-ding anybody lurking on the other side, OK? Whaddya say? We don’t wanna upset any rotten apple carts, you know? Here, take this beach towel from Aunty Leesa’s impressively equipped guest room; looks like it could cover a small vehicle, so hey, why not stop, drop, and roll? Let’s keep the dead guy happy, OK? Sound like a coverup plan?

📚🚵🏿‍⛺️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Bob, Mod Renaissance English Teacher blahblahblah...
Fraidy Cat's justified fears notwithstanding, I agree that Kim’s crush on zombies is a welcome respite. I ran out of hair follicles to pull from my scalp halfway down the page. #BaldIsTheNewBadass  However, because Creme de Menthe and other impressionable toddler or inebriated minds are present, I must remind everyone that Gulliver fell asleep before his unfortunate capture. You, 💀, on the other hand, appear to be jacked up on Red Bull; and, in this Not an Obituary, becoming drowsy enough to sleep is unlikely without general anesthesia. Also, for the purpose of historical accuracy, tasers did not exist until the 1970’s, when, ironically, NASA scientist Jack Cover gave his invention the acronym “taser”as a result of his weariness at “answering his phone and spelling out T-S-E-R,” so he added the A. Kids, Mr. Swift employs the use of irony in Gulliver’s 3rd voyage when he witnesses intellectuals conducting experiments “to extract sunshine from a cucumber,” and to “reanimate a dead dog by placing a bellows in his anus and pumping him full of air.” Now, can anyone explain the use of irony here?  
(" "Police History, enotes)

🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
I can! I can! I can! I’ve got irony and ironically on the whiteboard!! If I do both, is it extra credit points?!

🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Uncle Bob, the image 💀 posted is of a voodoo doll. I would argue that the only people being excruciatingly pinned to death are the readers.

⭐☆☆ Reviewed by Benjamin Cumberbatch, Who Almost Donated Sherlock Holmes but Thought better of $500K per Season
Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.” (Benjamin Cumberbatch, Brainy Quotes) “I was short and blonde in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and I really, really didn’t like coming back to this hair for this second series. (...)I just think it makes me look a bit like… a woman.”  
(" "Benjamin Cumberbatch, Culturess)

🚑🚑☆ Reviewed by Dr. Kathleen, Hastily Blocking Relatives on Iphone and Frantically Fishing for Surgical Pliers Which Can Be Used As A Weapon
Despite a slight temptation to yank out your feminine locks, Cumberbatch, I have taken a vow to do no harm. Like Clooney, it took me years to commit to not harming others by marrying them or operating on them. But given the circumstances, meaning how much my intestinal fortitude is being tested, if I happen to render myself unconscious with an injection, I’m pretty confident it would be viewed as ethically responsible.

🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Look, if you’re putting anyone under, Dr. Strange, it’s got to be Peaches de Menthe. I can’t take more exclamation marks, even with Aunt Nancy doing her part to drink them all. Uncle Bob, I’m completely in sync with the hot air dog imagery.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Sterling K. Brown Who Whines Just Like Randall on This Is Us
I’m feeling you, Only Adult in the Room. That’s my role, too, whenever Justin Hartley’s in the room. “Life has to be everything.” [...] It can't be all peaches and cream.”
(" "BrainyQuote Sterling K Brown)

🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
Hey!! I mean, like, well, some of it like could be.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Justin Bieber ft. Daniel Caesar, Giveon
De Peach, we got this. “I got my peaches out in Georgia (Oh, yeah, shit)/I get my weed from California (That's that shit)/I took my chick up to the North, yeah (Badass bitch)/I get my light right from the source, yeah (Yeah, that’s it.)”  
(" " Peaches, Genius)

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Nsync, Played Out Space Cowboys
Don’t sweat it, Creamy Screaming Peaches…”Take a space ride with the cowboy, baby Why-yi-yi-yippie-yi-yay-yippie-yi-yo-yippie-yi-yay.”
(" " Lyrics from Nsync’s Space Cowboy)

⭐☆☆ Reviewed by Mr. Cowboy/Bruce Willis
“Yippee-Ki-Yay, motherfu!7#&!”    
(" "John McClane, Die Hard)

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Haley Joel Osment/Cole Sear
Yikes. “I see dead people.” And also a boy band dressed up like that Village People cowboy.  
(" "Cole Sear, The Sixth Sense )

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Malcolm Crowe, Child Psychologist with A Stunning Lack of Self-Awareness
“In your dreams?... While you're awake?...Dead people like, in graves? In coffins?”
(" "Malcom Crowe, The Sixth Sense)

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Haley Joel Osment
Seriously? No, man, right here. For the love of everything captainobvious, look around. They’re all around us, hogging most of the barstools at Uncle Joe’s 2 star Bar.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Malcolm Crowe, Child Psychologist with a Stunning Lack of Self-Awareness
It is pretty chilly in here. Could be Aunty Leesa’s hella ice supply. That motherlode would preserve a severed limb or an entire body for a month. Pretty creepy when you think about it. She says she’s diluting drinks. Ever been to a bar where you order a bag of ice with your shot of vodka? I may not know I’m swimming with the fishes, but I’ve been on too many cop sets not to smell a rat. Or a guinea pig.

💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York ‌‌
Hey, Only Adult in the Room! Can you find out if 💀 made an extra set of car keys by chance? Be great if you didn’t mention that I’m the one asking! Thanks, girl!

🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Kim, 💀 did not have the foresight to jot a sentence on a napkin or a lost Iphone; this could have served as a last will and testament and prevented this word dumpster that I’d like take a blowtorch to, so I’m going to lay all my chips on the table and bet no on those keys.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Viola Davis, Best Uninvited but Supportive Guest and Most Spontaneous Oscar Winner
Only Adult, “I think I've lived long enough to understand that plans really are very overrated.” But in this situation, flammable thoughts are unavoidable. Anyone have a match?  
(" "Viola Davis BrainyQuote)

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Dennis’s Keys, Phone, Wallet, Lighter, Chapstick, Sock
Yes! We do! Please find us and keep us!!
Clue: #SwimmingWithFishes   #Find💀'sGraveRobbers

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by ET Who Phoned Home & the Bartender Answered
Found one of 💀's phones. Gaga! ChugsRace!

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Lady Gaga Actress and Bradley Cooper Singer
Cheers, little monsters and “mini coopers”! Mad props to the bartender [wink wink] who goes that extraterrestrial mile.  
(" "Mark Ronson, Twitter)

🍷⚡️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Joe, the Drinking Bartender w/a Hero Complex‌‌
Aliens in the house? Helen Parr! Baby! This is a job for one Incredible bartender!

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Agent K Who Wishes He Were Tommy Lee Jones the Japanese Movie Star
“Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely...dick.”
(" "Agent K, Men in Black)

🍷⚡️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Joe,the Drinking Bartender w/a Hero Complex‌‌
Skills? Don’t be fooled by my shiny holographic apron. I’m just a 2 star bartender serving full strength drinks.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Peter Dinklage Who Speaks Like Tyrion Lannister in Real Life
Look, Uncle Joe, “I drink and I know things.” And I know bad acting when I see it.  
(" "Hypable, Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones)

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Agent J Whose Name Comes Before K In Agent Coded Alphabets
This Alien Celebrity Bar “rates about a 9.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter.” Agent K, “promise me something, if I go first, you'll do better than” this messed up Not An Obit.  
(" "Agent J IMDB Men in Black]

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Agent K Who Wishes He Were Tommy Lee Jones in Real Life
“I'll wing something.”  
(" "Agent K, IMDB Men in Black)

🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Agent K, your careless sentiment sends shockwaves of hope through my pounding skull.  Even though I’m mad, both stark raving and angry, and you’re at least the new 29 or twice my age, I might stalk you like Kim with the zombies. Agent J, be grateful that when you get written out of the script, your fictional friend will sum up your life by cutting to the chase, getting to the point, and mincing some words.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Agent J Whose Name Comes Before K In Agent Coded Alphabet
Let’s not come completely unglued, stark raving Only Adult. Agent K, who does not have a top secret English degree from Harvard like Tommy Lee Jones, please hit me A.D. with a top drawer five paragraph essay.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Spike Lee
“Do the right thing,” Agent K. Slice and dice. Cut that shit like it’s a bad carb.
(" "IMDB Spike Lee, Do the Right Thing)

🌲📖☆ Reviewed by Jimbo, Fluent in Henry David Thoreau
“Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them at all.” Thus, I recommend reading this Not An Obit novel last, just in case, before you actually get to it, you're lucky and succumb to a terrible disease that is less painful than this.  
(" "Henry David Thoreau,The Famous People)

🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Great. Another death to deal with. We’ll never have time to read another book. This entire Not an Obit is one big fat Greek tragedy with an Italian Irish English hero.

🍻🍷☆ Reviewed by Uncle Joe,the Drinking Bartender w/a Hero Complex‌‌
Baby! Tragic Magic is needed!! Mrs. Doll-Faced Incredible! Where’s my suit?

🏓💄🏡 ☆ Reviewed by Aunty Leesa, Great Minds Dink Alike
Here you are, Mr. Incred with invisible cred. I’ve laundered it in bamboo detergent, rinsed it in organic water droplets, dried it for 3 days in indirect sunlight on a velvet hanger, and pressed it with honey scented steam. And, since you’re cape intolerant, I’ve added a lovely alternative Eggtose Free Collar.

⭐☆☆ Reviewed by Edna Mode, Fashion Guru for Pear Shaped Superheroes
Nice touch on the collar, “dahling,” but this “is a hobo suit...You can’t be seen in this. I won’t allow it. Fifteen years ago, maybe, but now? Feh!” Kill more silkworms! We need movement, we need sash. We need shimmer. Get me the XXXXX large donut roll big and tall holographic kimono!
#ketotime  #plantbasedwaist  #carbkiller    
(" "Edna Mode, The Incredibles)

Extreme Doubtfire Volunteerism Rating Tallier with a Fake British Accent Like Madonna:  Oh, fiddlesticks, 💀, don’t go popping your clogs again over this rubbish. Te he! You’re not the only one with the wrong tube ticket. This Brit’s as out of place here as a vegan pigging out on fruit at a Luau. I shall respond to your This is a Longer Rebuke Not a Review because, well, that was short so I read it.  I only agreed to put my life in danger doing Volunteerism Extremely because my Regular Obituary needs massive lists of charitable rubbish so I can posthumously saint-shame others. Mine will be a proper sendoff with none of this Mindfuck nonsense. I’m really quite against thinking outside the box. Te he! I did it again! Made myself LOLerskates! Gallows humor is terribly amusing, if I do say so myself. Quite right. Soooo..I don’t see a Sippy Cup Cue 🍸 on this page. You’re welcome, my fellow beleaguered readers.
#PlansAhead   #VolunteerGoesAboveAndBeyond    #WhenInDoubtAskDoubtfire

⭐☆☆ Reviewed by Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats
Many thanks, X Games Doubtfire.

In OTT honor of Dennis James Lord 11 (10-6-82 - 7-27-20)


Not the Mom

Not the Mom

The Internet