You just sensed he was someone who could do anything. Joyful in his work, he whistled tunes, sang off-key, and just appeared to be genuinely enjoying whatever project he was tackling.
If he joined your workforce, no matter what the occupation, Dennis would capture your attention--and your heart. His inspirational work ethic was, well, epic. 🍸
But it was because he was such good company that turned colleagues and bosses into lifelong friends. If you asked Dennis about his day at work, he’d tell you the most interesting parts of a co-worker’s life story or history. He’d also describe a work system in animated detail, and how this or that challenge intrigued him, but his main topic was always about people. The quickest study around, Dennis was rarely out-thought, outpaced, outplayed, outmatched, or outmaneuvered (as an adult, he could however, be outrun, see Jonah’s Support Animal). But this was entirely balanced by genuine humility, kindness, and a burning desire to learn more.
He was competitive but primarily with himself. If something intimidated him, he assumed he was being personally invited to a Challenge Party, then he’d do whatever it took to get the job done! He often turned a critical eye toward his own handiwork, shaking his head and pointing to some “less than perfect” spot only he could see, swearing under his breath that the next time he’d up his game. Meanwhile, you were speechless and agog at his artistry. Brains, brawn, and endless charisma found him working the pipeline, landscaping, construction, bartending + mixology + oenology (The Cellar sells a drink he created). He could draw, cook, shoot pool, golf, play chess, football, baseball (All Stars!), snowboard, waterski, surf, snowboard, snow ski, body surf, board surf, dance (popping!), and bodybuild. He practiced MMA especially Jiu-Jitsu, and so much more. Name something. There’s a good chance he tried it. And an equally good chance he was a BadAss at it.
No, of course he would not describe himself as a BadAss at, well, anything, but if you knew him and saw him in action, you know we’re telling it like it was. And yes, duh. We know how annoying that is.
#WeJustGotTheGreenGenes
Carpe Diem
Dennis had a terrifying habit of diving off the nearest cliff into the next big risky business adventure, which he often did with little notice--and no phone. (Dramatic pause here for more head bobbing.) Skydiving, parachuting, gliding, actual diving, rock climbing, water skiing, rolling, back-flipping (broken knee notwithstanding), handstands, cartwheeling, leaping and the like were all basic means of transportation for Dennis. He also dabbled in dangling, usually from precarious high-rise structures in various states of construction.
His deep intellectual capacity meant his logistical fears were alive and well, but in true Den fashion, he just invited them along for the ride. He was terrified of heights, so he spent one of his careers learning everything he could about construction, volunteering to climb to the top of any skyscraper. Like every other potential career he attempted, he also excelled at it. Dennis’s favorite build day in construction was framing. He loved it! It’s no surprise that he had the same approach to friendship, lovingly building each relationship from a solid foundation, ensuring it would stand the test of time.
Networking
If you could look up Dennis in a Human Dictionary, you’d find the word “networker” next to his name. This would rattle him as he never thought of himself that way. Much to his family’s amusement, whenever he created a moment of good fortune just by knowing someone, Dennis thought he was lucky. (Um, nope.)
He had an active social life and if joined you for any activity, he did you a solid. Whatever activity you were doing was going to be Way More Fun with Den in the mix. (No, duh, of course he never said this, but if you hung out with him, you know it’s a fact.)
His social gifts were not calculated. Not even close. He had no strategy. He never even used the word “network” except in reference to phone coverage, and it’s been established that Parenting A Phone was not in his wheelhouse. 😘
But.
Dennis was the singularly most successful unintentional “networker” his family and friends ever knew. Case in point: he always had a job offer or future promotion lined up. Any conversation he had included commentary about “My buddy so-and-so” and his friend list (both male and female) grew so fast and was so long, it was hard for his family to keep up. While most people collect stuff, Dennis collected and nurtured friendships. 🍸
Big Endings and Big Beginnings fueled his modus operandi, so he was often between careers considering what to attempt next, and getting himself ready to pivot. Big Time.
Whatever anxiety he may have felt between occupations was short-lived. He had only to strike up a conversation with someone who caught his eye (because that person was doing something he had not yet tried), or make a call to one of his many friends (he probably had to borrow your phone to do this 😃🍸), and he’d be working the very next day.
As many industries as Dennis immersed himself in, he was never career-oriented. A single ambition held little appeal for him. He was all about experience--and connection. He wanted to be part of whatever cool endeavor people were doing. And more importantly, all he was sure of was that he loved people And, they loved him right back.
LIBRA SUN SIGN
Dennis was all about justice. (see Libra sun sign/Tarot card) If an intentional wrongdoing occurred, especially if it were leveled at one of his friends, he became a Fast Talking Tidal Wave, releasing a rapid fire explanation of events leading up to that cataclysmic moment, and what he’d done to rectify the situation. Throughout his life, Dennis was a Vigilante for the Underdog. His compassion ran deep, and he actively put his neck on the chopping block for someone he felt was being treated unfairly. (see Darlena's David-Denny and the Bully Goliath memory 😂)
However, once he wound down from his initial justice tirade, he’d just as swiftly reclaim his congenial temperament and Let. It. Go. His only use for the Vent Department was to do exactly that, then Move Forward Without What Caused It. He had a huge capacity for forgiveness, so keeping a “grudge” would have required too much energy. And he was not willing to spend his time or attention on pettiness.
If you were a male friend, you could trust him with your wife, your girlfriend, your sister etc. He would not cross the line. His respect for relationships was paramount. And he expected the same deference in regards to his gorgeous sweetheart Kim.
As a Libra, balance was his greatest wish but Dennis spent most of his life vacillating toward the extremes, with a heavy swing toward Being Passionate and Stoked about Some New Thing (name any random thing). If he became ill, Dennis was usually hovering near death’s door. But once he recovered, which was oftentimes considered miraculous, he returned to being an energetic, exuberant life force. It was as if a fire extinguisher had been taken to an out of control flame. That kind of POOF! He did almost nothing in moderation, with the possible exception of being in the same location as his phone. (Head nods, anyone?).🍸
Pissed Off Reaper
Physically and mentally gifted, Dennis generally appeared to be invincible. When he was trying something new, which was a constant in his life, he baited death with a ‘Come and get me!’ approach. This must have ticked off the big Grim Reaper because Death figured the only way to extinguish this guy was to a) throw a bomb at him or b) throw a car into a tree. The Grim Reaper chose b) but given Den’s propensity for Near Death Experiences, it’s not unlikely that a bomb may have been attempted, and failed, at some earlier juncture.
Among other unique qualities, he possessed a mind-blowing threshold for pain. Despite all odds and pain-induced circumstances, he always came roaring back to life. He’d recover and the very same day, he’d light the fire in his belly--which he might be patting after gorging his recovery meal--for his Next Great Accomplishment.
God has a kickin’ sense of irony. Dennis returned to his Creator after a horrendous car crash (for non-believers, trust us, only God could have designed someone this compelling). At the time, Dennis was living his latest and best life as a BadAss commercial fisherman, which is arguably the most dangerous profession on planet Earth. You could count on Dennis to do it, and to almost, but not quite die doing it.
See what we mean by irony? 🍸
BUCKLE UP
It was initially reported that Dennis was wearing his seat belt. (head scratches all around) Miko had for decades (!!) Nagged Her Son To Death to wear it. Yes, she told him she’d kill him if he did not put it on. (see: irony, stupid tulips, and the like).
Thus, she suspected that if he finally buckled himself in for this last ride, it would have been his seat belt’s Maiden Voyage. 😜
After the crash, it turns out that Dennis’s seat belt was in fact, not noticeably deployed. In the vast majority of vehicular accidents, wearing one makes a significant difference, so buckle up, people! In this particular accident, wearing one would not have saved him, but if he had put it on, Miko can just hear his hashtag now...
💀: #AndILeaveWhat'sLeftOfMyMiddleFingerToMyBuckledSeatBelt 😂
Pointless Reader Reviews
⭐☆☆ Reviewed by Mr. Grim Reaper, Founder of Reapers Anon, A Support Group for Reapers Assigned to Unkillable Humans
This one, 💀, turned into a personal challenge. Trying to take him out of the game cost me decades of promotions, not to mention therapy for the PTSD I suffered after chasing him up and down the extreme living challenges he kept giving himself. I nabbed a sweet unlit office when I finally found that cooperative tree. Before I settle into my cushy heavily draped digs, I'm headed for a long vacay, so you can all take unguarded breaths for the next few months. You're welcome.
#ReapersAreJustDoingTheirJob #DeadChuffed
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
One thing I can promise you, Mr. Whiny Reaper, Den had more friends than the number of pages in this awful fake obituary. And Aunt Nancy looks "cocked, locked, and ready to rock." So...let me ask you one question. Do you feel lucky?
(" "Ted Nugent, YouTube) #MakeMyDay
☠️☠️☠️ Reviewed by Dead Posse
Only Adult, hearing creeptacular signs of sibling loyalty for 💀. Reaper the Keeper, Aunt Nancy's got serious farm cred.
#WeAreUnarmedAndWayMoreDangerous
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Tom Hanks, Who Could Run a Mr. Nice Guy campaign for Prez and Get Every Vote from Every Party, including Innocent Felons, Felonius Politicians who are not in Jail, Animals, Birds, Fish, and Aliens
Creeptacular, indeed, Count Chocula and Franken Berry Dead Posse folks. But, let's talk aeronatics. Look, kids, when you hear my voice over the cabin intercom, once the applause dies down, fasten that seatbelt. According to my 30 minutes of flight simulator training, we could easily be shooting for 500 miles per hour at more than twenty-five feet above sea level. That sounds really fast and really high. This all depends on wind conditions and whether I brought my notes. Let me put it into non-actor layman's terms: it’s a win-the-lottery chance in war torn Afghanistan that a frayed polyester and metal buckle will be enough for a civilian like you to experience some character-building castaway survivor guilt. Be that lotto winner, kids.
🏓💄🏡 ☆ Reviewed by Aunty Leesa, "Carpe Dinkum"
"Dink, Forrest, Dink!"
(" "Sports Feel Good Stories)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Ghost of Robin Williams as Adrian Cronauer
Whoa. When Captain Tom Gump says ‘Good mooorning, Vietnam!’, Afghanistan sounds like a DisneyLand Oasis with a Camel-Toed Teacup Ride and an inviting white carpeted landscape.
(" "Good Morning Vietnam, IMDB)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Ghost of John F Kennedy Jr.
To ensure that you’ll be remembered for real or imagined talents, pilot planes only if you are handsome, rich, and famous through no fault of your own.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Dwayne Johnson, Devoted Father to Kevin Hart
Ladies and gentlemen, listen to some sensible Rock-speak. If you hear Hanks impersonating your pilot and you’re not near a fabled emergency inflatable slide, strap yourself in and cover your face with an oxygen mask. Then put your kid’s oxygen mask on. This child silencing mechanism typically inspires more applause than Hanks’ feel good Welcome to Doomsday pilot greeting. If you make it past takeoff, fill every unsecured tray you can reach with mini bottles of booze. The perk of budget packed sardine class seating is you’re within reach of thirty other people’s beverage rations.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Kevin Hart, Beloved Son of Dwayne Johnson
“Whoever invented alcohol should be shot immediately. Hangovers are the worst…I swear it feels like a fat baby is kicking me in the head.”
(" "Kevin Hart, Women)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Dwayne Johnson, Devoted Father to Kevin Hart
I know the feeling. But body shaming the little guy only makes him pissier.
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Don’t get your diaper in a twist, husky Baby Rock. No one’s shooting Dean Martin, the Patron Saint of Booze. That’s sacrilegious. Take your plus size kicks like the rest of us.
📚🚵🏿⛺️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Bob, Mod Renaissance English Teacher Cycling Across Continents Sleeping in a Tent Taking Fine Arts Images & Reading Books Walking in Forests Like Stephen King & Buddhist Monks
Mr. Dean Martin spearheaded important matters of social integration. He was the first to mix alcohol with the fruit and veggies food group, and called it a boozcicle.
🐔🍺☆ Reviewed by Uncle George, Living Mindfully for Wings & Beer
If it tastes anything like frozen food, I’m in.
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Don’t get your hopes up. There’s no room left to freeze anything in the freezer, which, just for kicks and cruel irony, is its sole purpose.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Eminem, Who's In The Dictionary He Reads To Stack Ammo (Eminem Interview, Youtube)
Student Pilot Hanks, the only kind of speed that matters is high acceleration rapping, and this should only be done by professional rap artists who rescue Oscar homies from important award shows. Otherwise, and I mean this as offensively as you can possibly receive it, it would be like a toddler trying to lead the free world. They’ll both basketball white it.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Woody Harrelson, A Rare White Leo the Lion Who Can Jump
Folks, let me translate Hanks’ romantic little speech into one hardcore porn sentence: “Embrace the probability of your imminent death, and know in your heart that there's nothing I can do to save you.”
(" "Haymitch Abernathy, The Hunger Games IMDB)
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
If Mr. Hanks, the Caucasian non-rapper Academy Award winner can’t do it, Eminem Limited Edition, will you please rap these endless chapters of an unknown genre into 7.5 words per second? Then we’d only have to be here for three more weeks.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jay-Z, Married Beyonce so Has Climbed Everest, Won the Iditarod, Tour de France, all the Olympic Golds, Walked on the Moon, Lived on Mars, Venus, and Jupiter, and knows where Mellencamp’s Tastee Freeze is.
Girl, are you seriously asking the “godfather of hip hop” to waste his “amazing cadence” on whatever this is? Nobody, living or dead, can chop this mess of a word forest into a twig. You got that?!
(" "Tony Yayo, HH 24/7 ; " "Jay-Z Rolling Stones)
☠️☠️☠️ Reviewed by Dead Posse
Yo, Jay-Z, dit-toe.
Snowball’s chance in hell.
Dustball’s chance in Aunty Leesa’s house.
Football’s chance in Spain.
Highball’s chance in Don Draper’s glass.
Butterball’s chance on Turkey Day.
Eyeball’s chance in a blind fish.
Stressball’s chance in Uncle Joe’s 2 Star Bar.
Fallonball’s chance with Nicole Kidman.
💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Spitball’s chance in Dicaprio’s mouth. Sending you hugs and better kisses, Dead Rappers!
☆☆☆ Not Reviewed by 💀 This is A Cease And Desist Ask
Kim! What letter in the word STOP is not getting through to you?
💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Hi, babe! See! It always works! Don’t worry! All your four letter words are coming through!
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Betty White, Fluent in Dr. Suess
Dead Rapper Glossy Posse! “Off again! On again! In again! Out again!”
(" "The Sneetches and Other Stories Bookroo)
🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse
Shhhhh, Betty Seussicle. Hey, uh, wow. Oh, boy, let’s uh take it a whole lot easier there, Kim. Let’s you and I talk in our indoor whisper voices, OK? How about that? Any random thought you have, just send it over to me, under your breath? Real quiet like. Meanwhile, I’ve mapped out an exit plan for us. If you see me signal by running like hell out of here, you follow, OK? Or you lead, and I'll follow! Got it??
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
[Sigh.] If you run, Aunty Nancy will think you’re game. But back to the current stress traumatic syndrome problem at hand. Could any of the rappers in the room possibly reduce this manuscript to a small woodland instead?
🌲📖☆ Reviewed by Jimbo, Fluent in Henry David Thoreau
“Take long walks in stormy weather or through deep snows in the fields and woods, if you would keep your spirits up. Deal with brute nature. Be cold and hungry and weary.” I would argue you are all doing your part.
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
According to Jimbo Freaking Thoreau, we should all be positively giddy by now.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Eminem, Who's In The Dictionary He Reads To Stack Ammo (Eminem Interview, Youtube)
Only Adult, listen up. With the exception of the dictionary, which I can recite in big fat Greek words that don’t rhyme until I perform syllabic surgery on ‘em, I don’t read books, including the one I wrote in Latin.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Gywneth Paltrow Gleeful Rap Fan
Yo, Eminem! This no obit dope shit show no hope slow hit, whatever it is, is monstrous and combobulous, causin’ Remus and Romulus to rumble to a crumble, with the Captain Mr. Obvious. You hearin’ me?
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Graham Norton, Host with the Most Cocktails Per Guest
Oh believe, me, we heard you all the way across the pond.
☠️☠️☠️ Reviewed by Dead Posse
And beyond.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Queen Latifah, First Lady of Hip Hop
“Quit it with those nails,” Gwyneth “Scissorhands!” Let the FLHH show you how it’s done. “(...)Well it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, A beautiful day in the neighborhood(...)It's just another day, (around the wha?), around the mutha' - way.”
(" "Joyful Noise, IMDB; " "Queen Latifah, All The Lyrics)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Tom Hanks, “Mister Freaking Rogers….Hokey Kids Show Guy” (A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, Moviequotesandmore)
Miss Paltrow, always “look for the helpers.” Especially those with fire extinguishers, gas masks, earplugs, and an ability to rap.
(" "Fred Rogers, Snopes)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Ice-T
Hey, Norman Hanks Rockwell, here’s a dope fact: rappers don’t audition. Case in point: “I’ve never read for a movie, I’ve always been given them.”
(" "Ice-T, Brainy Quotes)
🆘🆘☆ Reviewed by Patrick + Topher, his Spirit Twin1-911-MourningForDummies
Hate to break up this Paltrow vs. Hanks Roast, but I have some very credible Fake News to report. “Incredible as it may seem, strange beings who landed in New Jersey tonight are the vanguard of an invading army from Mars.” These are purported to be Celebrity Sun Signs.
(" "War of the Worlds, QZ)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Nicki Minaj, Quintessentially Undisciplined Sagittarius
That’s right, baby. “Playtime is over. (...) Kyuh, Just when they thought it was safe to play, I Hit 'em with the N-I-C, the K-I, I'm Tinkerbell, he's Peter Pay-I, To these rap bitches, I'm Mother May”!
(" "Playtime is Over lyrics, Genius)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Nathan Lane, an Aquarian in Clogs with Cowboy Swag
I just can’t imagine the call back home when the alien makes it all the way to planet earth and lands in New Jersey. It’s like sending an astronaut with Covid to Mars and he accidentally touches down in Detroit, and everybody mistakes him for a liberal Californian Martian because he’s wearing a mask.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Michelle Obama, Crunchy Granola Capricorn
Just when I thought I could not take another wasted minute on this dazed and confused website, Nicki shows up. People, let’s just say that (...)“hope is finally making a comeback.”
(" "Michelle Obama, Wiley Online Library)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Rhianna, Fluctuating Pisces Cusping with Aquarius
Legit, Michelle. Tell Barack I get it. He can’t take a walk and I can’t raid the cheetos aisle. “I literally dream about buying my own groceries.”
(" "Rhianna, Brainy Quotes)
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
So do the people living with Aunty Leesa.
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
What’d I miss!? What’s happened?! Who are all these people?? I think I like drifted off.
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Lucky you. Creamed Peaches, pipe down. Please don't disrupt this celebrity zodiac alien battle, or whatever the hell it is. It’s a relief to listen to people who have no idea this is the uncut War and Peace version of a funeral service.
❓❓⭐ Reviewed by Hunter, Grace & Jackson Lord
These are celebrities?
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Serena Williams, Libra Balancing Her Badass Scales
Listen, Peach Fuzz, forget the nap and focus. “If you can keep playing tennis when somebody is shooting a gun down the street, that’s concentration.”
(" "Serena Williams,Brainy Quote)
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Oh, don’t sweat it, Serena. Aunt Nancy’s just hangry, so Uncle Tom sent her to Aunty Leesa’s secret garden to do some target practice on empty liquor bottles, so that will take a while. Now, what were you saying, whoever it was who was just distracting me from this protracted nightmare?
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed Bill Gates, Planet for Sale by Owner Scorpio
Younger Siblings, take this change in my pocket, give or take a million in antique silver coins. Go bribe Aunt Nancy to put down her weapon. Michelle, tell Barack, he can stroll for 65 miles in my backyard. He won’t know it’s a gated fortress as I’ve included plenty of simulated optical illusions to make him believe he’s out in the world. We’ve cloned regular people who pass by walking their dogs, jogging, playing frisbee, and a few who terrorize people with guns, regular stuff like that. I never believed in the free world of regular activities, because my dreams are the stuff dreams are made of. Rhianna, we also have private label grocery establishments, but no self-checkout because visiting politicians tend to fail our virtual self-checkout lessons. We have every cheeto ever imagined (see my dreams above), including one Flaming Hot we pollinated with Cool Ranch doritos; but, if you need a new artificial ingredient, you can input any harmful synthetic but still vegan ingredient into the recipe vending machine, and your deadly refined food creation will be served in nanoseconds.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Joe Rogan, Quintessential Leo the Hottie Lion, Incapable of Bullshit
For any guy not named Bill Gates, “Aspire to be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.” In my mind, Bill, not in my dreams, I picture you doing absolutely nothing or less than nothing, like the laziest sloth in the biggest money tree, and sex on demand is your reward for just, like, breathing. Only Bezos and Musk could do less. Like, they probably get laid in their sleep.
(" "Joe Rogan QuoteTab)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Post Malone, Extreme Blue Crab Inked Cancerian
Oh, yeah, brother Rogan’s got it right. The rest of us have to work that Bud Light Beer o’clock graveyard shift, with a few face tats inked in for good measure.
❓❓⭐ Reviewed by Hunter, Grace & Jackson Lord
Posty! Will you please draw one of your tattoos on our faces?
⭐☆☆ Reviewed by Iliza Slesinger, an “Elder Millennial” Pisces
(Iliza Slesinger, Scraps from the Loft)
“(...)Face tattoos are like motorcycles were, like it used to be just like, for gangsters, and now even your dad has one.”
(" "Iliza slesinger, Late Late Show with James Corden)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Mark Wahlberg, Heavily De-inked Gemini
Not this dad. Now that I’m the new 97, I brazilian-waxed my body ink in exchange for no more sex, drugs, or adult fun. And let me tell you, ladies, I wear my blank canvas brazilian like a fatherhood badge of dad joke honor. That sh#@$ hurts!
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Kevin Bacon, Cancerian Who Shaves With His Claws
The only thing men should be waxing is their cars. Trust me.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Kyra Sedgwick, Leo the Lioness with a Bacon Stripped Bikini Wax Mane
What Kevin Scissorhands said.
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Bacon, take your name and find the front door or the panic room. I’m not sure what page we’re on, but you look and smell really yummy, and in our current snack deprived condition, anything goes.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Kevin Bacon, Cancerian Who Shaves With His Claws
I get that a lot. I haven’t even broken out my sinful dance moves yet, so my being mistaken for a naturally hot and delicious bacon burger is a real compliment, Aunty Marcia. Thank you. I’m also a movie actor, a little thing I do on the side when I’m not on the Covid front lines drawing my wife’s ire, blood, and Bermuda bikini Triangle with a hunk of hot wax.
🍻🍻☆ Reviewed by Joey, Man of Few but Slurred Words
Hunk of Bacon. Take cover or the only dance shoe’ll be doing is called Swish Kabob.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jennifer Lawrence, Leo the Clumsy Lion, Who Takes Running Lessons
“I'm a horrible dancer! I'm like a dad at prom. I look like Gumby getting electrocuted.”
(" "Jennifer Lawrence, Quote Catalog)
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Oh, really? Is fried Gumby edible?
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Stanley Tucci, A Shaken Not Stirred Scorpio
Green Gumbo paired with a quarantini is so delectable it can momentarily tranquilize the internet.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Virgo Virgin Who Did Not Know He Was Dating Nicole Kidman
Tucci! I’m so stokaloked! You should be a chef, man! Before I accidentally became a comedian, “I wanted to be a Priest.(...) I was an altar boy, and I was good at it.(...)"
(" "Jimmy Fallon, Wealthy Gorilla)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Nicole Kidman, World’s Most Beautiful Gemini Rejected by Captain Oblivious
Oh, so that explains a lot. I suppose if you’re taking vows to lead sheep, you can’t even date a woman who suffers from having unparalleled angelic beauty. You know, when I auditioned my beautiful self for a Nativity play, I didn’t get any of the roles. (...)“So I made up the character of the sheep who sat next to Baby Jesus.”
(" "Nicole Kidman, Brainy Quote)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Virgo Virgin Who Did Not Know Nicole Kidman Was On a Date With Him
Um, yeah, now I get it. I see what you’re doing here, like Mary Had a Little Lamb, right? [chuckles] This is you making another pass at me, right, Nicole?
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Leonardo Dicaprio, Scorpio With the Worst First Kiss Story
Fallon, no one, except an occasional blind gay man with no working gaydar, a.k.a. Homoblivous, will ever hit on you again. Women talk. They knew if Nicole’s atomic beauty couldn’t break through your stupidiotic potatohead, nobody could. This is why I date women who are not old enough to drink, because they are not jaded by grownup opinions.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Adele, Taurus Earth Dragon with a Fiery Tongue
“Hello?!” Leo, please do the female gender a solid and pick up any film script near you and recite some lines. Not acting while speaking spontaneously is clearly not your thing. Jimmy, you’ve always struck me as being a gentle but impressively unobservant man. Just because Nicole did not take your virginity does not make you entirely unworthy of all female consideration and attention.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Virgo Virgin Who Did Not Know Nicole Kidman Was On a Date With Him
Got it. OK. [chuckles] All caught up now, ladies. I think we can all read behind that ninja style hello, Adele. You have a thing for me. This is you asking me to ask you out, am I right?
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Michelle Pfeiffer, Taurus With Major Roles In Songs
Adele has a fiery tongue, but “I’m a Taurus, to the bone.”
(" "Michelle Pfeiffer, Brainy Quotes)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Virgo Virgin Who Did Not Know Nicole Kidman Was On a Date With Him
Oh, wow. Michelle, you’re like white gold jealous now, right? This is you coming onto me, yes?
🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
Mr. FallOnYourFaceCauseYou'reSuperDumb, I’m like guessing no.
🗣🗣☆Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Pfeiffer, this is a carnivorous bar, which is no place for undernourished but still smoking hot chicken bone. You've been warned.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Leslie Jordan, Taurus Who Fell into His Mama’s High Heels at Birth (Leslie Jordan, OFM)
“Hello, fellow hunker downers, Leslie Allen Jordan, reportin’ in for duty.” Jimmy Fallon Oblivion, I hate to disappoint you, but Miss Pfeiffer follows my channel. Frankly, I’ve got more of a chance with her than you do as a straight up virgin.
(" "Leslie Jordan, Youtube)
☠️☠️☠️ Reviewed by Dead Posse
Copy that, Jordan. Fallon’s got a meatball chance in a spaghetti mouth.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Leslie Jordan, Taurus Who Fell into His "Mama’s High Heels" at Birth (" "Leslie Jordan, OFM)
Oh my. Oh my my my. The other side has a whole bushel of hotties lookin’ my little ol' way. Well, now, isn't that just somethin'?
💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
I know, right?!
#DeadPossesAreDeadHotties
🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse
Hey, little Kimmy, how about we put some comfortable yardage between us and Leslie Jordan? Sound like a great idea? We can call it a safety plan. You know how parents have those fire escape things for their kids? We'll call this our own little escape Dead Posse plan. Sound good?
🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunt Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Frankly, Covid Soldier Jordan, if you utter another mouth-watering pastability, I may break the child-safety lock on this utensil drawer and devour your plump and delicious self whole.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Leslie Jordan, Taurus who Fell into His Mama’s High Heels at Birth (Leslie Jordan, OFM)
Well, now, isn’t that just the sweetest?! I am a tasty southern fried chicken nugget, I promise you that. But just in case I’m too tempting for this ravenous crowd, I’m goin’ to take temporary cover behind those two adorbs fake guard dogs.
🐶💂🐶 Reviewed by Lucy and Lola, Fake Guard Dogs Only Afraid of Their Own Reflections and Shadows
We’ve got you, plumpalicious Jordan. Get your sweet self behind us.
🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse
Any extra room at all for this big guy, scary guard dogs??
🐶💂🐶 Reviewed by Lucy and Lola, Fake Guard Dogs Only Afraid of Their Own Reflections and Shadows
Biceps by Jason, you’re on your own. Dead Posse’s been eyeing you for days.
🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
I’m not sure who’s scarier right now, the starving people or the ones about to be eaten.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Michael J. Fox, Gemini With The Secret to Success
“I think the scariest person in the world is the person with no sense of humor.”
(" "Michael J. Fox Quote Tab)
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Chris Rock, Aquarius with A Sense of Humor
So you’re afraid of Louis C.K.?
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Michael J. Fox, Gemini With The Secret to Success
Nope, even scarier.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Chris Rock, Aquarius with A Sense of Humor
Oh, my bad! Seinfeld.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jerry Seinfeld, Taurus Who Makes a Living by Drinking Coffee With No Creamy Sense of Humor
Well, of course I don’t need a sense of humor. The world has that covered for me. My job is to point out the obvious.
⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Virgin Virgo Who Did Not Know Nicole Kidman Was On a Date With Him
Obvious, right on, man. Heard my cue! Are you coming onto me right now, Jerry?
Extreme Mrs. Doubtfire Volunteerism Rating Tallier w/a Fake British Accent Like Madonna: Frosty bollocks! Cover thy package! Danger, danger, Will Robinson! (Lost in Space, Wikipedia) Lowballs are at risk! Bobble my collywobbles! Shazbot! If only Ice Cube were in the house and not the freezer! Great unrhymed bawls of hellfire! That vapid Gwyneth poopy goop rap skinned my cringe, walloped my dollop, and shook my Tutti like an unhinged Little Richard Fruity. I beg you, paltry Paltrow, to leave matters of the meter to Jay-Z the bard, and poem torturing to Not the Mom before I yawn myself into a sleepcation. Sippy Cup time! 🍸
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