Den's Random Often Comical Acts of Kindness

Den's Random Often Comical Acts of Kindness

Denny and his "Ma"
  • Expressing enthusiasm about any baking you did; also scooping out and consuming the entire interior contents of a 3 layer chocolate cake, but leaving its circular frosted frame standing, making the cake appear to be intact, so your fridge would still look “inviting” when someone opens the door. 🍥 😂
  • Turning one jar or item upside down in your meticulously organized refrigerator, to help you overcome your OCD, waiting patiently for you to discover it, then giving you a sh*!@&! eating grin--this one was regularly Reserved For Lees. 😜
  • Repeatedly jumping directly in front of traffic to open your car door for you because he thought A Man Having Manners was an actual emergency.
  • Rushing to lift anything you attempt to carry, even a half-empty plastic bag.
  • Running your dumbest errands, including buying Emergency Hair Corrector when you dye yours an electric shade of Princess Ariel Red, right before you’re supposed to attend a wedding; when he sees you, he also doubles over in the hallway while trying to reassure you This Too Shall Pass through his gut laugh; and oh joy, he’s brought one of his buddy’s with him because Dennis is always with a friend so you get to meet people in your new crazy look. (this was years before rainbow colors were on trend)
  • Accompanying you to any event at any time because you are interested in it, and then taking an active interest in the experience; i.e.your book club where he holds his own discussing a book he’s never heard of until that very moment, while charming the living daylights out of your friends who ask at every future meeting if that “charming young man” is dropping in again. #HowToKnowYouAreChoppedLiver
  • Co-Hosting after working his tail off to help you prep for your parties and open houses and being the unintentional Life of the Bash as bartender/wine server/storyteller/listener.
  • Cheerfully standing on kitchen counters as a toddler to reach shelves for his petite grandmother; or lying in wait in a freezing pitch dark attic for hours (in hilarious makeshift combat gear 💂😎), to trap whatever it is that’s doing all that scratching in your 1890 Elmira NY Victorian home.
  • Helping you get a job or finding employees for your business or assisting you in any pursuit to improve your life’s circumstances such as offering you a place to live or stay and giving you the shirt off his back if you need it.  Just don’t ask him for a matching pair of socks. ☺🍸
  • Listening to you with sincerely undivided attention, so much so you’re motivated to start trying to be way more interesting. (this may have been his goal 😂)
  • Leaping in, always unarmed, to fight for you, especially if you’re the underdog and he’s entirely outnumbered, outweighed, or the odds are stacked against him because he considered risking his life for yours as a fair trade. Which is akin to swapping a good-natured purebred dog for a bad-tempered mut. (Yes, we’re the mutts in this scenario, people. Please try to keep up.)
  • Trumpeting 🎺 your best qualities and DIY projects to others, especially people you’ve never met who show up to see what all the fuss is about and who also promptly discover you are way less talented than they’ve been told.
  • Helping you move a zillion times by doing the heavy lifting and cheerfully solving the puzzle of how to fit 10,000 unnecessary items into an undersized rental truck.
with Uncle Joe, doing a project for Lees 😍
  • Alleviating your mood by making you laugh so hard you forget what your funk was about, his subtle but generous way of helping you Get Your Head out of Your Arse.
  • Encouraging you to do more challenging things and stubbornly insisting that you can do it, that you should do it, and that he will 100% help you do it.
  • Reading your novel or any wannabe thing you write and complimenting it so profusely you think you might actually need to put more words on paper.
  • Showing up to sit with you in a doctor’s office or the ER when you never told anyone, including him, that you were going.
  • Beaming at you with such unabashed pride, you almost believe his OTT press.
  • Forgiving you, no matter what you did or how badly you behaved and then continuing to pursue the relationship with love and laughter (meanwhile you’re harboring so many grudges, you make lists to keep them all in order, just in case you forget one of the really petty ones).
  • Hanging off a ledge or sky high ladder to build you absolutely anything your heart desires, while also rendering himself tone deaf to your constant mantra, ‘be careful, be careful.” He’d do it, but he never promised you a safe garden.
Pausing to play while running an errand for somebody, of course 😍

Pointless Reader Reviews

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Tom Cruise Who Unwittingly Made the Charitable Donation of Footloose to Kevin Bacon.
It’s pretty well established that as an action hero, I only dance in my underwear. There were a lot of clothing-only dancing scenes in the Footloose contract and the director was not nudity flexible. It’s also a well known fact that I’ve made women cry, simply by slipping off my jeans into something more comfortable. My face and frame are things of beauty. Think Cleopatra. I’m the modern day non-Egyptian, non-Greek version of Cleo, in boxers.  
#RandomActsOfCelebStupidity   #FlashersUnite    #BoxersNotBriefs

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Kevin Bacon, Who Only Dances When Everyone’s Watching
Oh, hey, I can’t disrobe and dance. I mean, I do, but it's riot material, man. Even my wife asks me not to. She and I both thought inciting mobs was illegal, but after that Capitol weirdcoupe, turns out it’s only against the law if you undress. If you’re wearing a suit and a comb over on an extremely bad hair day, you’re in the clear as long as you don’t expose body parts, which also prevents painful 'I can’t un-see this' tweets from breaking the internet.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jude Law, Who Stays Mostly Naked
Death becomes some people, but being alive and nude becomes me. “Face it, I didn't become famous until I took my clothes off.”  
(" "Jude Law, BrainyQuote)

🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice‌‌
Hey, Jude, I for one, would like to say how much your early overexposure was appreciated. If you or Mr. Cruise experiences any sudden urge to slip out of anything uncomfortable, please don’t hesitate.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jude Law, Who Stays Mostly Naked
I’m happy to comply. It’s what I do, after all, but only if you call me by my given names. “I'm not called Jude Law, I have three names; I'm called 'Hunk Jude Law' or 'Heartthrob Jude Law'. In England anyway, that's my full name(...).”
(" "Jude Law, BrainyQuote)

❓❓⭐ Reviewed by Hunter, Grace & Jackson Lord‌‌
Oh, like Pitt Brad Pitt, but more stuck up.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jude Law, Who Stays Mostly Naked
Yes, thank you, young admiring fans. It’s an industry fact that I turned down Superman because the outfit wasn’t on fleek with my cup of uppity English tea. I only accepted the role of stylish Yon Rogg in Captain Marvel because he was so on trend. I took up acting to wear my characters’ costumes. I don’t even own jeans to slip out of like Pitt Brad Pitt, unless they’re part of my acting wardrobes. So, it’s either birthday boy or I’m in an elaborate outfit for the day. Very British, really.

🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice‌‌
Well, let me be the first to point out we have matches, candles, and wishful thinking, Mr. Icing on the Cake B-day Hunk boy.

🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe‌‌
So I like let my like brother be born, butt naked, before me. That’s like a really like random act of really like kindness and stuff like that.

🎵🎵☆ Reviewed by Jazz /J:Essential, Poppa Bear’s Baby Bear
Roger that. My bro Jeremy was first on the fam’s hit list. He had rules and curphews. Second borns get the exhausticated version of parental interest, which really supports juvenile delinquency and musical creativity.

🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena‌‌
Jazz, I think it’s been exhaustingly established that oddparents don’t suffer from that condition. For a glaring example, as in it’s blackening both of your eyes, take Not the Mom, who appears to be alarmingly wide awake for every miserable detail of her second born’s existence.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Betty White, Fluent in Dr. Suess
Only Adult, if I may: “A person's a person, no matter how small.” (Dr. Seuss, Horton hears a Who! ) For instance, in this “now we come to ticks and tocks, sir” pitifully unwittily unrhymedly takes too much time-edy marathon bookathon about the younger wonder brother, you, Only Adult, are teensy tine-sy eensy eye-nsy, as in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids small potatoes, possibly even micro, as you are almost imperceptible to the human eye. But the good news is that you do, in fact, still exist.  
(" "Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks, Genius)

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Shaquille O’Neal
Everyone’s a Lilliputian in my world, Betty Suess. Only Adult, I see you, microscopic as you are. And I’m with you. No one should have to join this neverending The Saint Came Marching In funeral procession parade. So I’m going to cover you on this. Jazz, let me assist with your understanding, “Why don't you bring your face up here and let me punch it?(...)”
(" "Shaquille O’Neal, BrainyQuote)

🚑🚑☆ Reviewed by Dr. Kathleen, Hastily Blocking Relatives on Iphone and Frantically Fishing for Surgical Pliers Which Can Be Used As A Weapon
There’s plenty of ice if Jazz’s face is pummeled. On a happier note, I was the first, as it should be. Queen Bumblebee, then my followers, the twin brothers.

⚠️⚠️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Barry, Poppa Bear & Substance Abuse Counselor on Permanent Standby‌‌
Shaq, while I agree with you on the whacko state of affairs of this fake obit, I will also, like Dennis, step in front of a semi-truck, in this case your body, to protect my young. Jazz is off limits. He will not use Aunty Leesa's Not A Home-Depot Ladder to climb up and meet your fists.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Shaquille O'Neal
Oh, I'm really just a polar bear underneath all this semi, Uncle Barry. I like the grizzlies, and I don't want to crush you as you've been handing out mental health cards to these whacked out folks; so I'm going to back off, Poppa Bear. No prob.

🍻🍻☆ Reviewed by Joey, Man of Few but Slurred Words‌‌
Hey, so’s Chan, man, youses welcome. Just slike deadest Denny, I was the guineaist pig.

🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena‌‌
Dr. Kathleen, really? Your parents were old enough to drink when they procreated. I, Darlena, long-suffering firstborn child to fledgling underage parents, am the guinea pig!! Me! My brother may have left this doomed planet before me, but who’s the one slogging through this eternally hot mess of a tribute to him?! Who’s making the bigger sacrifice here, people, huh?! Who?!

☆☆☆ Not Reviewed by 💀 This is Something We Agree On
Whoooeee. Word up. Testy, but true.

💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Oh, hi, babe! Yay!! It’s been a minute!

☆☆☆  Not Reviewed by 💀 This Might Be Another Warning
Since you flirted with my passé posse?

💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Oh, hahaha! So funny! I’m happy to see you’ve found your sense of humor again! I was getting worried you left all of that to me. Clearly Only Adult did not get that part of your will, right honey?! So crabby. Like crabcakes and ice water around her. I think she’d be so much happier if she just stopped trying to make sense of any of this. It’s just such a mood killer to try to understand why Not the Mom just goes on and on and on and on and on and you know, it’s really a lot--right, hon? But oh, hey, so babe, another set of car keys would have been so helpful! I mean, you know, the humor’s nice too. Oh! And I meant that I think it’s been an actual minute since you popped in, but not positive because I got stuck behind a bunch of Lamborghinis after Aunt Nancy showed me how to do some target practice!

☆☆☆ Not Reviewed by 💀 This is the Warning
Kim! Do not, under any circumstances, sober or drunk, shoot anything except the breeze. You have a 100% chance of killing someone. Dead Posse and I are the only ones safe in Kim’s Got Herself A Gun scenario. Do you hear me?

💋💋👙 Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Oh, like Jesse’s Got Himself a Girl? So Fun!! I love it when you talk in funny song lyrics, babe!! Oh, and you and your math equations! Hahaha Oh, but don’t be silly, hon! I bulls-eyed so many bottles, Aunt Nancy started shooting my debris in mid-air. Uncle Tom took cover in the gazebo. He was radioing for help and everything. It was awesome.

🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse‌‌
So, look man, I tried to stop Kimmy, but dammit, she’s small and she’s fast. And, uh, then she was pretty heavily armed. [mops brow] I can lift the Lamborghinis, but man, this bodyguard build is not made for sprinting, you know? But don’t worry, man, once Uncle Tom hoisted me over his shoulder and carried me to safety in the foxhole Gazebo, I was able to keep Kimmy in my sights the whole time. I honestly think she and Aunt Nancy could take on Dead Posse. But I’m here for you, man. Now that she’s put down her weapons, I’m standing right next to her see? Just south of her elbow, man. All good.

🌲📖☆ Reviewed by Jimbo, Fluent in Henry David Thoreau ‌‌
Ahhh, yes. “The bluebird carries the sky on his back.” Fraidy Cat Jason, before Saving Private Ryan Uncle Tom throws his back out, I have two tasteless words for you: go vegan.  
(" "Henry David Thoreau, BrainyQuote)

🍁🍄💼☆ Reviewed by Drummer Jonah,One Man Boy Band Baby Faced Ted Talking Jiu-Jitsu Practicing CEO CAO CDO CFO CIO CMO COO‌‌
I’m all for shooting down certain subjects that are polluting the filtered air in my royal mother’s Architectural Digest house. I can’t express how grateful I’d be if those responsible for this would stop holding discourse about rodents, much less comparing themselves to these vile creatures. I ran out of weed an hour ago, and this is getting much too real.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jack Nicholson Who Has To Live With Knowing He Donated The Godfather to Al Pacino
Look, the only reason anyone would donate the greatest film of all time to a less talented actor is because of serious eyewear complications. “With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and 60.”
(" "Jack Nicholson, BrainyQuote)

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Al Pacino, Most Blushing Bloodthirsty godfather in History
“I'm so shy now I wear sunglasses everywhere I go.”  
(" "Al Pacino, BrainyQuote)

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Jack Nicholson, Who Is Forevermore Cuckoo in His Green Nest
Bashful the godfather. Priceless. [laughs]

📚🚵🏿‍⛺️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Bob, Mod Renaissance English Teacher Cycling Across Continents Sleeping in a Tent Taking Fine Arts Images & Reading Books Walking in Forests Like Stephen King & Buddhist Monks‌‌
Speaking of sacrifices. While my two older brothers, Uncle Tom and Uncle Barry escaped to Vietnam only to come back and endure Aunt Nancy’s frightening hobbies, I was left to be raised with three wolves for sisters. There ought to be medals for that.

🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
It can be arranged...if you die. It’s called a posthumous medal of honor. We haven’t killed you off yet, brother Monk Bob, so please take forty chill pills, if Jonah with the acute hearing problem has any left, that is.

👦👦☆  Spirit of Christopher, Patrick’s Twin Brother
Like Dead Posse, tempting as it is, I have not yet abandoned guarding my twin Patrick from the hungry pack of wolves here.

🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice
Oh, really, Topher? The only hungry she-wolf anyone needs to worry about is me.I worked in a man’s world for about 10 seconds. Then he worked in mine.

🐔🍺☆ Reviewed by Uncle George, Living Mindfully for Wings & Beer‌‌
I haven’t eaten in hours, maybe days. If you avoid Aunty Leesa’s sobering joke of a cocktail, the drink here is really strong and makes it hard to concentrate without some form of protein. Can one of the other she-wolves do some hunting with Aunt Nancy’s gun? Looks like Kim only hits bottles, and possibly people.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Leonardo Dicaprio, Who Purposefully Donated Brokeback Mountain to Heath Ledger
I’m full of charity. Chock full of it. For example, I generously told the director I’d accept the lead boyfriend role if I could make out with a much younger Jack Twist.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Joaquin Phoenix, Who Donated Dr. Strange to Benedict Cumberland
That’s no joke. I don’t joke. Ever. I’m the scariest person Michael J. Fox would ever have the unfortunate experience to meet. I literally have never gotten a joke. Punchlines confuse me. Humor is the enemy of my uncomfortably silent stoicism on late night talk shows. Lightheartedness is for stupid people who don’t feel the heat of being only 91 million miles from a burning ball of fire. I’m more serious than heart attacks or cholesterol or world famine. I own serious. It’s my middle name. Joaquin Serious Phoenix. Like Pitt Brad Pitt but without all the smiling bullshit.

❓❓⭐ Reviewed by Hunter, Grace & Jackson Lord
Um, we’re not getting most of the dad jokes here either, Joaquin Serious as Cholesterol Phoenix.

🕵🕵☆ Reviewed by Dennis Lord the 1st, Den II Precursor Prototype DNA Parent, Spy Novelist Fluent In 3 Languages From Watching The Bourne Supremacy
The jokes are better in Russian, kids. Translate ‘em for more listening endurance.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Laurence Fishburne, Morpheus in the Matrix
Not to rain down on your depressing parade, Joaquin, but there’s no one scarier than Morpheus. He frightens me, and I’m the only badass who had the balls to play the dude.

🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse‌‌
Not so fast. Have you seen Dead Posse, yo?

💋💋⭐ Reviewed by Kim, Only Living Beach Babe in Mars New York
Oh, yeah, Dead Posse’s on point! Hells to the yeah!

🏋🏋☆ Reviewed by Jason A., Built Like Ronnie Coleman but Fraidy Cat of Dead Posse‌‌
Kim, can we please keep it down? To about forty decibels. Library atmosphere, O.K.? I beg you.

🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Jason A., you’re going down with this sinking ship. So are the pointless musicians, Jonah and Jazz, who have not had the decency to play us some tunes while we’re drowning in word vomit.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Gwyneth Paltrow Who Did Not Mean to Donate the Titanic to Kate Winslet
So, if I’m being honest, which is not really a famous person's thing, Kate was younger and a better kisser. She met Leo’s co-star criteria.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Kate Winslet, Academy Award Nominee for her Titanic Performance
This is where it gets fun. See, Gwyneth, I was acting younger. And I was acting like a better kisser. Hence, the nomination.  

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Leonardo Dicaprio, Not Nominated for his Titanic Performance
A-ha! Hence, the no nomination for yours truly. I wasn’t acting. I was Jack Dawson, and Jack happened to be a phenomenal kisser. And, yes, Kate did look like my kissing type. Don’t tell me how old you actually were though, OK, Kate? It will skeevy me out, plus I want to maintain one platonic friendship for life.  

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Matthew McConaughey, Whose Titanic Audition Gave Dicaprio the Role
See, this is where it gets even more fun. My audition was off the charts. I mean, literally, if you had a chart, I was on the ceiling. I floated away knowing exactly how I was going to spend the money and which room I’d decorate for Oscar. Then Dicaprio swaps spit with some underage casting director, and wham. But no awards, Klepto Leo. Not one prize. That’s what kills me. I’ve been robbed.

🍻🍷☆ Reviewed by Uncle Joe,the Drinking Bartender w/a Hero Complex‌‌
I’m afraid there are no lifeboats or life preservers for this experience, but as the only drunk bartender in a room full of starving drunk people, I do have a powerful urge to stand on top of Baby’s granite Island and try to fly. Older great kisser Kate, will you join me?

🏓💄🏡 ☆ Reviewed by Aunty Leesa, Stay Out of My Pickleball Kitchen
Kate, I may be wearing an impossibly chic outfit in stilettos while cleaning every square inch of booze off my custom countertop, but I’m going to warn you in my Martha Stewart totally fake hostess voice that this high tech machinery only appears to be a cleaning apparatus; it is in fact, an advanced vacuuming technology that can suck the life out of a body and leave its skeleton intact and still seated at the bar, if you get my very specific drift.

🗣🗣☆Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice‌‌
That’s impressive, and not unlike 💀’s party cake trick.

📚🚵🏿‍⛺️☆ Reviewed by Uncle Bob, Mod Renaissance English Teacher blahblahblah‌‌..
Yes, that scary description was spoken in true she-wolf killer wordsmith fashion. My life was in constant danger growing up.

🍻🍷☆ Reviewed by Uncle Joe,the Drinking Bartender w/a Hero Complex‌‌
[Shivers] It’s why I always pack my cape, Uncle Bob. Here, take mine. Just don’t wear it in front of Edna.

🐔🍺☆ Reviewed by Uncle George, Living Mindfully for Wings & Beer‌‌
Why am I not surprised that the only cake in Aunty Leesa’s gourmet fridge turns out to be hollow?

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Will Smith, Who Extremely Donated The Matrix to Keanu Reeves
Extreme charity is when you ignorantly give away the role of a lifetime (see Robert Dinero for the dumbest example), then compound the error with a video of the movie with yourself in a starring role. This makes everyone appreciate the real star of the film and helps them stop incessantly asking why you did not take the role. It’s important to have them see you suck at it. That’s the extreme way of paying it forward.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Keanu Reeves, Matrix Superstar Dater
“On a good night, I get underwear, bras, and hotel-room keys thrown onstage... You start to think that you're Tom Jones.”  
(" "Keanu Reeves, BrainyQuote).

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Sandra Bullock, Who Once Dated The Matrix Dude
I just felt like somebody should do something. I mean, nothing was happening on stage, right? So, paying it forward, like Will said. The hotel keys were Winona’s. Not hers, but you know, she “found” them.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Charlize Theron, Who Never Ever Forever Ago Dated Keanu Reeves
They definitely weren’t my hotel keys. Keanu and I were never a thing. Ever, as in not ever. As in, protest too much and at all costs.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Molly Ringwald, Who Donated Pretty Woman to Julia Roberts
Oh, yeah, speaking of no bras and panties, I did give that one prostitute gig to Julia because I thought movies came with scripts.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Julia Roberts, Academy Award Nominee for Pretty Woman
Only if you do any crappy movie with a budget over 10K, then you’ll get a big head, a terrible script, and your own trailer. Unless there’s a dog in it, then the dog gets the trailer. Doing Pretty Woman without any lines written down was hard because Richard Geer and I had to double as writers, but since most movies don't feature stories about prostitutes, I didn't get stereotyped.

🗣🗣☆ Reviewed by Aunty Marcia, Don’t Make Me Use My HR Director Voice‌‌
Is anyone else eyeing these tasty puppy bites of plump fake guard dogs?

🏓💄🏡 ☆ Reviewed by Aunt Leesa, Pickleball Blackbelt
If one hair on either of the fake dogs is displaced, you will feel my vacuuming wrath.

🍑☆🍑 Reviewed by Chandler, Peaches & Crème de Menthe
Whoa. I’m like outta here. I’m like thinking the she-wolves or the fake dogs are gonna eat someone for like real.

🍻🍻☆ Reviewed by Joey, Man of Few but Slurred Words‌‌
Sose nosbody can get nears 'em, Chan. That slucy one's fast.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Johnny Depp, Who Willingly Donated Ferris Bueller’s Day Off to Matthew Broderick
Oh, is this about Ferris? Yeah, that was just a vision thing. “Everything is just very, very blurry. I've never had proper vision.” Which is working out for me at this weird Obit scene.  
(" "Johnny Depp, BrainyQuote)

🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena
Well, lucky schmucky ducky for you, Depp with the convenient blinders on.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Matthew Broderick, Golden Globe Nominee for Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Good vision can come in handy, especially if you’re given a weak script. Because then you know, you have no choice but to fall back on your minimal acting skills. I only write excellent scripts. That way, we never take the chance that actors will have to act out any of my award winning manuscripts.

🙅🙅☆ Reviewed by The Only Adult In The Room/a.k.a. Darlena‌‌
Well, that sums it right up, doesn’t it now, Braggart Broderick? I've unfortunately inherited perfect vision from Not the Mom. Unless I blind myself like Depp, I'll continue to suffer terrible writing consequences.

⭐⭐☆ Reviewed by Matthew Broderick, Actual Professional Writer
Yes, that is correct. On point. Exactimundo. Right-o. Indeed, and Yessir.

Extreme Doubtfire Volunteerism Rating Tallier w/a Fake British Accent Like Madonna: What's all this? Actors giving donations? The bedrock of madness. “Heeeeere’s Johnny!” And I don’t mean Carson. “Is it just me or is it getting crazier out there?" Oh, yes, my charitable chickadees. “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” You know things are beyond the pale when Beyonce’d rather go blind and Etta James would rather be deaf! I myself had no intentions of donating anything to anyone at any time, but my obit needed a boost, so here I am, suffering along with the genuine sufferer herself, Only Adult. If I’d been a proper celebrity, I’d just do what all celebrities worth their mettle do: pay other people to be charitable. What a wonderful world! Go infamy!
(" "The Shining, IMDB, " "Joker, " "Willy Wonka)

In OTT loving memory of Dennis James Lord 11 (10-6-82 - 7-27-20)


Not the Mom

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